Nursing Babies: Sweet Angels or Essence-Sucking Skeksis?

Dear Ann Abler,

So cute not sucking out your sanity

My son has a cold and has been attached to my boob for no less then 8 hours in the past 24. When does the La Leche League come to my door with a prize (like french fries or beer)? 
Also, at what point is it no longer milk coming out and just particles of my sanity?

Sincerely,

Barnacled Maid

Dear Barnacled,

I just did the emotional math...and 8 out of 24 equals almost 100% of the time that you feel like you have a precious little parasite attached to your teats. That is the emotional truth of the matter, and we may never know the “real” answer because I grew up in the era when Barbie told me, “math class is tough” and “let’s go shopping,” and I wanted to follow in her footsteps because she was an astronaut/nurse/doctor with a Dream House. 

Back to you and your baby boob barnacle. Am I right in saying that you feel you are nothing more than udders? A 24 hour lactation station? An all boob banquet? The milk-making MVP? These are all valid feelings, and you are right in wondering where La Leche League is with your beer…or your fries…or your beer-battered fries. Mmmm. If La Leche League included beer and french fry delivery in their menu of services, imagine how much more powerful their political presence could be. Until La Leche League jumps on this genius idea, you’ll have to rely on friends and family for sustenance. You could also try wearing one of those hydration hiking packs with a long straw, but that might make you feel like you’re plugged into some sort of milk-making Matrix of mere survival. And what is survival without sanity? Motherhood. Apparently.

You, right now. Image via darkcrystal.wikia.com

So let’s get back to solving your problem. I’ll start by giving you kudos for identifying your nearly null neural activity on your slippery slope to total brain drain. At this point, your baby is much like one of the skeksis from The Dark Crystal, sucking out your essence, and you must be saved. Your grey matter matters to me.

My usual approach of avoidance and denial don’t do the trick in this case, so we’ll have to skip to shifting the blame – the other go-to skill in your dear Ann Abler’s toolbox. It is imperative that you make sure everyone knows you should not be held responsible for remembering anything or behaving normally at this time. If you forget to put the gas pump back in its place, you can blame the baby. If you tell your family Thanksgiving is cancelled, no one can get mad; they should just toss scraps of food at you from a safe distance. If you don’t to do the dishes, no worries! You kept a baby human alive another day. You’re a goddess! If you accidentally serve your husband with divorce papers, he should take it in stride and have a hearty chuckle over it as he does those dishes you didn't do. You can do no wrong right now. All you need to do is use this post like you would a doctor’s note. It will excuse you for everything. Promise.*

Now go say three Hail Mommies and attempt to unlatch and unwind...or if you can't, then call another breastfeeding mom and talk about how this is all really gonna pay off once your babies are grown and ace those SATs. 

Always right,
Your Ann Abler 

(*Promise like how 'literally' means 'not literally' nowadays. Also, I am not a doctor.)

Ann Abler of the Week - #5: Negotiating with Baby Terrorists

Each Saturday I give an Ann Abler of the Week Award  to a person, tweet, or post that embodies the essence of your Dear Ann Abler's advice. In other words, anything that:

• Pardons sub-par parenting
• Let's you know no one has it figured out
• Reminds us how children are monkey-terrorist-angel-puppies

This week the Ann Abler of the Week Award goes to OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) for speaking truth to parenting...or at least what feels true...sometimes. 

If you would like to be considered or nominate someone for this very prestigious award, send me a message via this site (comment section or homepage email form), Facebook, or Twitter, and include #AnnAblerOfTheWeek.

Cheers!

Your Ann Abler  

How to Master the Art of non-Mopping

Dear Ann Abler,

Should I bother mopping my floor when my toddler is going to make a hot mess of it within the hour?

Seems silly, no?

~ Mopper Flip Flopper

Dear Mopper,

It seems silly because it IS silly. Much of what we SAHMS and SAHDS (and other-acronym'd parents) do all day is silly. It has to be silly because if it weren’t silly and we couldn’t find any humor in the cat pooping on the kitchen table the same day we run out of coffee, we would go crazy. In fact, some of us have, or do, or will go crazy. I say embrace the crazy! Lean in. Be the crazy. Sometimes the only way to survive parenthood is to “get nuts” – as Prince so sagely suggests. Also we should do something about a purple banana, apparently. But I digress.

Image via www.dudeiwantthat.com

To mop or not, that is the question. And just to clarify, I assume by “mop,” you mean Swiffer Wet Jet or something similar. I can tell you that as your Ann Abler I think about your needs first, not the needs of the floor, or the noses of your fellow family members when your house gets that ‘not so fresh feeling’. So how do you feel before and after you mop? Is there a glimmer of satisfaction, or solely the sting of your Sisyphean struggle smacking you across the face? If it’s the latter, let’s employ one of my favorite advanced avoidance techniques: shifting responsibility.

You say you have a toddler? I say it’s ‘bring your baby to work’ day. Every day.  Buy one of these outfits in the picture above, and the mess becomes the mop. Why aren’t we all doing this way more often? Can’t we agree it’s not really child labor if the child is having fun? Mine thinks wiping up the floor with a dishtowel is a great game (second only to turning a water bottle upside down and shaking it all over the place). 

You could also try getting a floor laminate with a Cheerio design in it to achieve the effect below. Tell people it’s your meta-post-modern declaration of domestic defiance. They will most likely be too intimidated by your big artsy words to criticize your crumby floors. 

Art.

 
The other option is going old school (or ancient school, rather) and “installing” dirt floors. Mopping a dirt floor would actually make it worse, which totally gets you out of the chore altogether!

You're welcome. (You can thank me by sharing/liking Dear Ann Abler on Facebook)

Your Excuse Expert,

Ann Abler


*And to anyone reading this, what's your favorite way to avoid housework?

Think Outside The Mom

Dear Ann Abler,

Do you ever get tired of "mom" talk? (Schools, food and feeding, sports, discipline, etcetera). When does a mom get to be not a mom in relation to other moms?

~ More Than a ‘Mama’

Dear More Than a 'Mama',

Someone better shove you in the shallow water before you get too deep. Are you suggesting that talk of Bento boxes and Beanie Babies do not complete you? You want a little more from life than extended discussions on pumping, dumping, diapers, wiping, sweeping, rearing, teething, birthday party planning, scrapbooking, soccer games, and piano lessons? It’s almost as if you had an identity prior to parenthood and you’d like to think some non-mom thoughts for a moment. And even that thought probably gives you momguilt*. (*It’s like regular guilt, but pH balanced for moms).

Even when you’re not with the little monkeys, it can be hard to clear your mind of all kid-related responsibilities AND still remember that Thursdays are early pick-up and you have to sign the reading calendar and raise money for the dance-a-thon and start the little one on swim lessons and will ultimately be held responsible for their lives and judged for the quality of humans they become…AND…focus only on your breath in yoga class. 

The good news is I can help you “think outside the mom.” Let’s explore some activities to help you exercise your individual identity and avoid mom talk at all costs.

Activities for each day of the week to remember you’re more than a Mama:
 

Don't post this!

SUNDAY: Start a ‘Facebook Mom Fast’ for the week. In other words, post no updates about how time flies with regard to your children, no cute #kidquotes, nor pics of their adorable spaghetti-covered cheeks. Dig deep for deep thoughts. If you come up empty handed, just take a picture of your food like your kid-free friends, or get on Twitter and slowly sink into a depression as you realize 50% of the trending hashtags relate to One Direction (or #1D).

MONDAY: Get Grandma to watch the kids and have a margarita or two with your “Bae” (sorry - been spending too much time on Twitter). Karaoke the hell out of “I love Rock n’ Roll” or “Islands in the Stream,” and avoid anything by Kid’n Play or Kid Rock (kid-free zone!). Between songs talk about anything you did before the kids came along, or just keep drinking. By the time you’re getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct, you won’t remember if you’re a mom at all. That mug shot guarantees you won’t be the #1 pick for Room Mom this year. Phew!

TUESDAY: After the kids go to sleep, abduct invite a few friends and go toilet paper a Michael’s in a totally non-artistic, non-crafty way. Do not use colored crepe-paper. Do not attempt to find a theme or make a pattern. Do not add glitter or spell anything out with the tp. Make sure all of you are trying your least hardest. Just toss rolls of toilet paper at the door if it’s been a hard day. You are a rebel without a cause, because really, there is no point to doing this.

WEDNESDAY: Start a fightclub. Don’t talk about the fightclub.

THURSDAY: Grab a latte with a lady friend and talk about books, philosophy, how that show Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson blows your mind, or all the things you’ve learned from Drunk History. Also, discuss body hair, and see if you can't find a way to make thighburns cool.

FRIDAY: For your Friday night out (or in), get together with some girlfriends and introduce a “mommy-talk jar” in which you must drop a Washington (that’s a one dollar bill for you non-ballers) for every mention of your l.o. – especially if you just used that abbreviation for ‘little one.’ If you want to dial it up a notch, make it a “mommy-talk taser,” and put your child-free friend in charge of it. She will delight in her new duties, and keep the rest of you on task. The group can determine ahead of time if singing lyrics from Frozen counts as mommy talk.

 

SATURDAY: Even if the week has helped you not talk like a mom, you may still look like a mom. Time to toughen up. Why not grab a couple removable tattoos from your child’s stash, wet a washcloth, and get to work. If someone mocks your new Hello Kitty tattoo sleeve, just point to the Patrick Star teardrop tat under your eye. You’ll look like one badass mother mutha who won’t be discussing homemade play-doh anytime soon.

Now it is up to you to go forth and share the good news that women with children are more than mothers. They are mothers, of course, but they are also artists, teachers, engineers, strippers, and preachers. So go play “I’m Every Woman,” dance around like a crazy person, and don’t forget to pick your kids up from school. It’s an early day, dammit.

As always,

Your Ann Abler

Ann Abler of the Week - #3

Each Saturday I give an Ann Abler of the Week Award  to a person, tweet, or post that embodies the essence of your Dear Ann Abler's advice. In other words, anything that says:

• Doing it wrong is quite alright
• Don’t judge lest ye be a parent too someday
• I need a hug/drink/smoke, stat

This week the Ann Abler of the Week Award goes to O'Doyle Rules! (@gary_doyle).
I feel the force is strong with this one:

If you would like to be considered or nominate someone for this very prestigious award, send me a message via this site (comment section or homepage email form), Facebook, or Twitter, and include #AnnAblerOfTheWeek.

Cheers!

Your Ann Abler  

Tight on Time? Multi-Task Like a Mutha

Dear Ann Abler,

Photo via +Engadget of +Portlandia (http://bit.ly/Technology-Loop)

I feel like time is not on my side. Kids are crawling all over me and I hardly have a second for myself. When I finally do have a moment alone, I’m so scatterbrained that all I can do is retweet, like, or pin things.

#SendHelp
#SOS
#mombrain,

Hashtag Hannah

 

Dear #,

Not this cat/cow (image via +TechTarget)

Breathe. Breathe again. Back away from the screen. Wait – not yet – read these words of wisdom first. Breathe in and out again, maybe do a couple cat/cows, and then have a seat with me. 

First off, commit to whatever it is you’re doing in the moment. Unless it’s listening to your 7-year-old recite a really long Christmas wish list. In August. Something like that could really go on forever, and as you’ve made clear, you barely have a moment to yourself, let alone a “forever.” I know most parenting professionals say give your children 100% of your attention whenever possible, but does anyone really give 100% of their attention to anything, except maybe a sneeze or an orgasm?

Whoever said “live in the now,” maybe didn’t realize there are 17 things going on in the now. Multi-tasking is a must, and it is possible to love your children AND pay partial attention to them, all while chewing gum. You can employ this “adore/ignore” technique and unleash your social media spasms amidst the surrounding chaos of said children.

Most Mommybloggers' Default Screenview

While little Layla is doing her 27^th handstand saying “look at me,” you can pin some groovy color palettes on Pinterest or retweet the latest injustice. You paid attention all the way through handstand #26; you’ve earned your ignore points. Or if you’re gonna plop down tiny Timmy in front of some Tutitu, try a split screen and start checking the stats on your blog. I only assume you have a blog because you’re a mom, and that’s pretty much standard protocol these days. (Or if not, then I imagine you at least have a decent Facebook or Twitter presence. If not, are you reading this post on parchment paper?). But I digress.

Getting back to your question, the lesson to be learned here is that if you employ my patented sub-par parenting approach, then you can use your truly alone time for more focused activity, whether it be reading, writing, exercising, or whatever you can squeeze in those few precious moments.

As this post does not require your full attention, I hope you are reading it while telling your children, “excellent handstand, honey!” or “put that knife down, Timmy.” You might actually want to investigate that last one further.

Sub-par is better than no-par,

Your Ann Abler

We Like to Potty

This question comes to us via @2babies1buggy on Twitter:

How do you potty train a 1 year old? It seems to be going really slow with no progress. I need HELP! 

Dear Potty People,

Not as groovy as the Peace Train.

I’m usually a huge supporter of denial, but just so we're all clear here, you're actually attempting to potty-train two children, correct? I’m not a detective or anything, but watching Murder, She Wrote has strengthened my skills of observation enough to solve this case of the telling Twitter handle. You are humbly downplaying the fact that you, 2babies1buggy, have TWO children you hope to potty-train. I only bring it up because your denial is misplaced; you should be in denial that potty training needs to happen at all.

What’s the rush to train the little tots? In a few short several decades most of us are back in diapers anyhow. Kind of makes you wonder if it’s worth all the work. Before investing your time and energy in something, you really have to consider if NOT investing your time and energy is an option. Let’s explore this thought further…

Avoidance is one of my all-time favorite coping mechanisms, and I believe you could really benefit from such an approach at this time. Why not adopt (or invent) a parenting technique that lets the children decide when they’d like to stop shitting themselves? It will make you seem sensitive. While you’re at it, consider re-branding yourself as an extreme environmentalist who is very concerned about the California drought and doesn’t want to flush excessively right now. The fact you don’t live in the state will show how truly empathic you are to our plight. Plus, urine is totally organic, and you support organic things on your children’s skin, right? (Just so you know, the only socially acceptable answer to a question with the word "organic" in it is: "Yes!").

I happen to be an expert in the field of potty training in that I am a potty-trained American. While I'm pleased about my bladder control capabilities, I feel like I would have arrived at this point eventually. Worrying about when to start potty training is like worrying about how long to breastfeed; don't worry about it. Just roll with it, baby. Or at least put it off for another day. Or, get one of these:

I hope you can really explore your skills of avoidance, or else I feel like my time here was wasted.

Ciao,

Your Ann Abler

Dad Joke Round-Up

Here's a round-up of some of the best (worst) #DadJokes circulating on Father's Day, that I shared on Dear Ann Abler's Facebook page:

Now go forth, dads and moms, and continue to embarrass your children!

Bored Games: How to Make Board Games Bearable for Grown-ups

Dear Ann Abler, 

It has been two months since my last #mommyconfession. Yesterday I realized something about myself that I wasn't ready to admit up until this point. I think Candy Land is horribly boring.

Am I a terrible parent?

CandyCrushed

Dear CandyCrushed,

Drink Responsibly. A message from your Ann Abler

No way! Well, maybe. But not for not liking Candy Land. You are a normal adult with the desire to deploy your brain cells every now and then. Sometimes board games are a bore, and you need to think outside the cardboard box to make it better. Here are some simple ideas to mix up the monotony of Monopoly, Sorry!, Chutes and Ladders, and the like.

CHEAT. While this may sound cold-blooded at first, most parents know that their children are the #1 cheating champions, and it will either teach them a life lesson about honesty, or hone their skills as cheaters so that they can perfect the craft and be well on their way to Wall Street. It can also be a fun way to test your slight of hand and see the shock on their little faces as you constantly collect all the best cards.

DRINK. Okay, this is a little obvious, but an ice-cold Newcastle can really take the edge off a mind-numbing 17^th round of Uno. Don’t drink so much you forget to say Uno. Drink responsibly. ~ A message from your Ann Abler. (Ironic, I know.) 

Beware the evil carrot

INVENT. Add a level of difficulty to any game by making up new rules. It can be as simple as having a 'speed round', or you can introduce a new Evil Carrot character who moves backward through the lengthy labyrinth of Candy Land, and if he lands on the same square as you, sends you back to Start, where you must strike out all over again on your Sisyphean struggle. That's an opportunity for some life lessons. Don’t spend your life trying to get to a castle made of candy? Avoid carrots? Be creative? Don’t make your mom play Candy Land? Something along those lines.

REMINISCE. Even if you are slightly saddened by how the updated design of a game seems to strip it of its original magic, use this time to travel down memory lane and share stories from your childhood. Stories about how you always listened to your parents, for example, or how you better be prepared for some no-holds-barred cards if you're playing with Great Grandma. 

Old School Candy Land

DANCE. Demand dance breaks every 5 – 10 minutes. If we learned anything from The Bible, isn’t it what Kevin Bacon (as Ren) taught us in Footloose? “David danced before the Lord with all his might... leaping and dancing before the Lord…Leaping and Dancing!" If you need dance tips, I suggest re-watching Breakin' (both 1, and 2: Electric Boogaloo), or there's always these lessons from the great Tina Fey.

photo from The Daily Beast

Now say three Hail Mommies and get your dance on.

Ciao for now.

 

Happy Father's Day to Dads who do it ALL!

To all the Dads:

We thank you for your pancake-making, diaper-changing, pool-playing, lesson-giving, no talk-back taking, hug-giving, living room tent-building, book-reading, allowance-giving, game-playing, roadtrip-singing, beach-day-prepping, and all around awesome fatherly love!

Have a great day, and please share your best #DadJokes in honor of Father's Day! Tag @DearAnnAbler on Twitter or share it on DearAnnAbler's page on Facebook!

What would YOU call a vacation with kids?

Hello friends,

Your Dear Ann Abler has been on what is commonly called “vacation”, but what mommies might know as “doing more of the same, somewhere other than your house”. Perhaps we should make up a word for going on vacation with kids (especially if you are tagging along on your partner’s business trip and are alone with the little ones for most of the day). Something like "workation" or "hotelbabyjail".

How would you re-brand family vacation to inject a dose of reality in the name?

Play along, won't you? What does vacation with the kids really feel like? How would you re-brand family vacation to inject a dose of reality in the name?

Thanks for playing along in the comments section below, on Twitter, or on Facebook!

Penitence for Play Land

Dear Ann Abler,

I know they underpay their workers and make foodstuff that is more stuff than food, but the kids have so much fun in the McDonald’s Playplace, that I sometimes climb down from my moral high horse and head on over. I confess that while they’re safe in the winding tubes of that wonderland, I pretend I’m alone while I consume my coffee. Can you absolve me so that my conscience is cleared and I can continue to indulge in this practice?

Guiltily,

I’m lovin it

Dear Lovin It,

If Justin Timberlake associated himself with the masters of the McRib, how bad can it be? He is America’s golden boy whose abundance of charm inoculates him against criticism, and we must not question his choices. While you’re right about their low-paying practices, and calories from questionable content, the question at hand is how to sustain your sanity for one more day.

If Justin Timberlake associated himself with the masters of the McRib, how bad can it be?

17 Foul Ingredients AND free coupons? Score!

Having little ones is hard, as every parent (and parenting blog) will tell you. Parenting can slowly strip you of a sense of self, if you don’t take a moment now and then to breathe deeply and think your own thoughts. Yes, being a parent can provide you with deep personal discoveries, wonder, joy, and growth, but it can also stress you out and suck your brain dry. So I say pick your battles and take on the corporate giant tomorrow. You deserve a break today! 

To lighten your load and purge that pesky guilt, you can shower the McEmployees with gifts. If that surpasses your penitence price point, then bring them some employment applications from Starbucks. I believe Starbucks gives benefits if you work 20+ hours a week, and I imagine you get to be jacked up on the java juice for most of that time. 

If you want to just sort of stick it to the McMan, then fill your kids up with a healthy breakfast and only order the coffee for yourself. Now say 4 Hail Mommies and have it your way.

~ Your Ann Abler
p.s. Colbert explains it all much better

Spider Insider

We have another question from one of my myriad Twitter followers (myriad means around 60, right?).
@unique_miranda asks: @DearAnnAbler, my daughter's full of itchy spider bites. I've done everything I can think of. Wish it was me rather than her #mommyproblems.

Dear Unique,

You came to the right place. Doctors, shmoctors, right? Your dear Ann Abler has got your back. Here’s what you do: go rub every lamp in your house. If a genie comes out, make your wish. No genie? Try a local wishing well, or any ole’ fountain you find. I’m pretty sure it’s the chemical reaction of coin + water that makes the magic happen. I didn’t actually ace Chemistry, though; so don’t quote me on that. Wish still not coming true? Jiminy f*&kin’ cricket, I’m running out of ideas. Oh – that actually reminds me, go outside tonight and wish upon a star. That should do the trick. If that doesn’t work, I’d like to return my Disneyland Annual Passport. Passport to lies, I say.

I guess you could go to WebMD or a real doctor, but then we’d all be robbed of my words of wisdom and professional* feedback. (*Professional in that I have been paid to do work at various points in my life). Also, in my professional opinion, I would suggest not watching Arachnophobia right now. I repeat, do not watch Arachnophobia right now. Everything will be okay. I think. Especially if you found a genie. A #ProTip from my own daughter: she says that you should wish that NO ONE has spider bites. That would be a better wish.

Other than that…um…calamine lotion? And also, where were you that she got the spider bites and can I please never have to go there.

Now say two hail mommies and go look for a four-leaf clover or a lucky penny (also my daughter’s suggestions). Note (from my daughter, again): A lucky penny is NOT when you go into someone’s money jar and take a penny. It has to be one that you find on the ground.

Ciao.

iLove my iChild

This one comes via tweet from @martinisandmini

So letting my kids watch "Appisodes" on the iPad isn't the same as watching TV, right? Totally different parts of the brain, right????

- Martinis

Dear Martinis,

You ARE right! Totally different. The iPad trains the part of the brain that controls the swiping and selecting finger, while the TV develops the consumer section of the cortex, which teaches them to covet cheap shiny things from China. It’s important to remember that today’s iChild requires multiple sources of screen time to sharpen those skills of tomorrow. If we’re concerned about kids’ attention spans, we can take comfort in the fact that in the near future, human thoughts will consist mostly of 144 characters or less. Reducing a child’s attention span to that of a gnat will place him right on par with his peers. 

Luckily, some of the content targeted at our tots contains characters with British accents. As you may know, the British accent triggers a release of bonus points into the brain*. (*The brain works on an intricate point system, similar to Weight Watchers). You’ve got your Peppa Pig, your Mary Poppins, and Pocoyo (translated to British English and not ‘Merican English), all helping to pump up our kids' brain power. So, while your child may not get into Harvard, he will have the advantage of a British accent, which automatically qualifies him as an authoritative voice on everything. 

A study conducted on 0-3 year olds by pediatricians from the Cohen Children's Medical Center of New York had the following findings:

The study showed there was no significant difference in testing scores between children who used touch-screen devices and children without the same exposure to touch-screen devices. However, results indicated that children who play non-educational games (ie. Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja, etc.) have a lower verbal score on developmental tests.

Yes, BUT, how did each group of toddlers fare when fruit was thrown at their heads? Aha! Didn’t think of that one, did they? Skills of tomorrow, I say! Skills of tomorrow!

As Ilana Wiles (@Mommyshorts) has demonstrated in what I assume is a peer-reviewed and published infographic, toddlers love them some touch screen:

In summary, as long as we keep our little kiddlings engaged in other activities throughout the day, talk to them more than we tweet them, and make sure they see the light of day*, I think we’ll all survive. (*Just don’t ask me if you should use sunscreen).

Now say three Hail Mommies and check out Peppa Pig's Party Time App

Pip pip, Cheerio!

Question for my reader(s): What article(s) have you found most helpful/entertaining/depressing on the topic of kids & technology? Please share in the comments section or tweet @DearAnnAbler

Do I really "like" my toddler?

Dear Ann Abler,

I give out more likes on Facebook than I do hugs to my toddler. Is this normal? In my defense, he really doesn't seem to be putting material out there that could go viral.

Help,
#Momfail

Dear #Momfail,

Until your baby starts building a better "brand" for himself, he can continue to expect low likes, both online and off. Help him understand that this is a competitive marketplace of memes, images, and pithy platitudes. Perhaps you can work on some trademark poses (e.g. peace sign, tongue out, sunglasses, etc.), or show him how hipster babies have cornered the market on cuteness. Try dressing your toddler like this kid below, and see if that elicits any emotion in your chest or head area.

No? Try this one:

Still nothing? When all else fails, break out the overalls - they make all babies look adorable. That should trigger the hugging impulse.

Say two hail mommies, and order some sushi tonight!

Ciao.