Nursing Babies: Sweet Angels or Essence-Sucking Skeksis?

Dear Ann Abler,

So cute not sucking out your sanity

My son has a cold and has been attached to my boob for no less then 8 hours in the past 24. When does the La Leche League come to my door with a prize (like french fries or beer)? 
Also, at what point is it no longer milk coming out and just particles of my sanity?

Sincerely,

Barnacled Maid

Dear Barnacled,

I just did the emotional math...and 8 out of 24 equals almost 100% of the time that you feel like you have a precious little parasite attached to your teats. That is the emotional truth of the matter, and we may never know the “real” answer because I grew up in the era when Barbie told me, “math class is tough” and “let’s go shopping,” and I wanted to follow in her footsteps because she was an astronaut/nurse/doctor with a Dream House. 

Back to you and your baby boob barnacle. Am I right in saying that you feel you are nothing more than udders? A 24 hour lactation station? An all boob banquet? The milk-making MVP? These are all valid feelings, and you are right in wondering where La Leche League is with your beer…or your fries…or your beer-battered fries. Mmmm. If La Leche League included beer and french fry delivery in their menu of services, imagine how much more powerful their political presence could be. Until La Leche League jumps on this genius idea, you’ll have to rely on friends and family for sustenance. You could also try wearing one of those hydration hiking packs with a long straw, but that might make you feel like you’re plugged into some sort of milk-making Matrix of mere survival. And what is survival without sanity? Motherhood. Apparently.

You, right now. Image via darkcrystal.wikia.com

So let’s get back to solving your problem. I’ll start by giving you kudos for identifying your nearly null neural activity on your slippery slope to total brain drain. At this point, your baby is much like one of the skeksis from The Dark Crystal, sucking out your essence, and you must be saved. Your grey matter matters to me.

My usual approach of avoidance and denial don’t do the trick in this case, so we’ll have to skip to shifting the blame – the other go-to skill in your dear Ann Abler’s toolbox. It is imperative that you make sure everyone knows you should not be held responsible for remembering anything or behaving normally at this time. If you forget to put the gas pump back in its place, you can blame the baby. If you tell your family Thanksgiving is cancelled, no one can get mad; they should just toss scraps of food at you from a safe distance. If you don’t to do the dishes, no worries! You kept a baby human alive another day. You’re a goddess! If you accidentally serve your husband with divorce papers, he should take it in stride and have a hearty chuckle over it as he does those dishes you didn't do. You can do no wrong right now. All you need to do is use this post like you would a doctor’s note. It will excuse you for everything. Promise.*

Now go say three Hail Mommies and attempt to unlatch and unwind...or if you can't, then call another breastfeeding mom and talk about how this is all really gonna pay off once your babies are grown and ace those SATs. 

Always right,
Your Ann Abler 

(*Promise like how 'literally' means 'not literally' nowadays. Also, I am not a doctor.)

Babies v. Barneys: Baby in a China Shop

Dear Ann Abler, 
I often think I can't bring my 5-week old baby into fancy stores, like I can't bring in my dog. How do I get past that? 
~ Baby Daddy Dawg

Dear Dawg,

Buy, buy!! No, sell! Wait - Elmo!!

Kudos for having enough energy to compose this question, let alone summoning the will to enter a fancy store. In case no one told you before, babies can be a total bummer. Not only do they keep you up at all hours and soil your clothes with spit-up, but it turns out they know nothing about online trading. 

They are also a lot like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman before she gets her makeover. No, I’m not calling your baby a high-priced call-girl, I’m just saying that fancy-store people frown upon both.

Well, I did some brainstorming and I have an idea (and just so you know, office policy states there are no bad ideas in brainstorming). You are onto something with the dog thing, but you have it backwards. Designer dogs actually make you fashion forward. So I say dress up your little one like a dog, put the ‘childhuahua’ in a Burberry bag, and strut into any store of your choice. If the store is fancy enough and your ‘childhuahua’ is small enough, you will actually be adding to your je ne se quois, and by that I literally mean I don’t know what. On second thought, since you’re not a lady in Beverly Hills, you may skip this suggestion.

The Childhuahua is known for its wimpering

Instead of baby-purse-dog, try this next idea:
Lure a bunch of children into the desired shopping destination – you know, with candy or something – I haven’t thought this one all the way through, so here’s your chance to improvise. Once the store is overrun with smelly sticky kids who’ve been promised candy, that quiet little bundle in your Baby Bjorn will be the least of their worries.

Image via www.cultfilmfreaks.com

Still, if a fancy-store lady tells you you’re “obviously in the wrong place”, be sure to come back with a bunch of shopping bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge.” Make sure a good song is playing in the background while you do this.

Now go buy your little cutie a Cartier and say it’s from Her Auntie Ann Abler.  But you should pay for it. It’s the thought that counts, though, and I had the thought.

Also, it’s never too early for babies to start following Ann Abler on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter.

Kidpanzees

© Damomz | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Dear Ann Abler,

I'm 34 and my fiance and I don't know if we're sold on the idea of having kids. What do you think? Is it everything they say it is?

~ Undecided in Delaware

Dear Undecided,

Oh it's everything they say and more! Who are they, by the way, and what else are they saying? Did they mention that the terrible twos actually happen every two years? Did they tell you that you will be alternately cuted out and worn out on a daily basis? Let's just say having kids is like a slumber party you never have the chance to sleep off.

No one can tell you whether you should procreate or not, except the Duggars (who scoff at single digit families), and your future mother-in-law. Also your friend at work who thinks kids are gross probably has an opinion.

Make way for ducklings? (© Lisa F. Young Dreamstime Stock Photos)

It's a very complex and nuanced decision to have children, so ask yourselves these questions: Was Marcel your favorite Friends character? Do the zany antics of Curious George make you smile and shake your head sit-com style? Have you always wanted a monkey that is all your own? If you answered yes to these, then you should consider making a baby. Having a little one is like raising a less hairy primate, and you don't need a special permit or training, like you would to get a monkey or a chimp.

From the their charming wide-eyed gaze, to the creative expression they will find for feces, your bonobo-like baby will bring you as many hours of fun as your dream chimp. Your living room could soon be like Gorillas in the Mist and you are Sigourney Weaver. I mean Jane Goodall. Or you could have a living room with glass sculptures and host wine parties (this would be the no kids option). It's really up to you and your fiance.

I'll be here for you either way,

Your Ann Abler

Do I really "like" my toddler?

Dear Ann Abler,

I give out more likes on Facebook than I do hugs to my toddler. Is this normal? In my defense, he really doesn't seem to be putting material out there that could go viral.

Help,
#Momfail

Dear #Momfail,

Until your baby starts building a better "brand" for himself, he can continue to expect low likes, both online and off. Help him understand that this is a competitive marketplace of memes, images, and pithy platitudes. Perhaps you can work on some trademark poses (e.g. peace sign, tongue out, sunglasses, etc.), or show him how hipster babies have cornered the market on cuteness. Try dressing your toddler like this kid below, and see if that elicits any emotion in your chest or head area.

No? Try this one:

Still nothing? When all else fails, break out the overalls - they make all babies look adorable. That should trigger the hugging impulse.

Say two hail mommies, and order some sushi tonight!

Ciao.

Elmo v. Grandma

Dear Ann Abler,

My toddler prefers FaceTime with Elmo over real time with Grandma. Is that a problem?

 





Face-off in Florida


Dear Face-off,

Your mother in law sounds like a boring old hag. Tell her to get off the couch, don a funny hat, and sing some songs. Your child is a sartorial genius and does not give out unwarrented affection.

Take a shot of tequila in the bathroom, say four hail mommies, and order a pizza for tonight. You've had a hard day choosing appropriate apps for your precious prodigy.

Ciao.

Your older kid can come in handy

Dear Ann Abler,

My baby fell asleep in my lap, so I called my seven y.o. daughter over to bring me a beer. Should I have asked for a glass of red wine instead? I hear it has antioxidants or magic in it. But beer has hops and something...

Thoughts?
- Nap Lap Night Cap

Dear Nap Lap,

You should have asked for two. She might have been out of ear-shot the next time you needed her. If you feel inspired to live your life by following the advice of old French advertisements, then here's one you might like:

Say two hail mommies and chug the beer when the seven year old says, "mommy." It's a modern mother's drinking game.

Ciao. 

p.s. You can always read up on beer and breastfeeding at La Leche League, if you are into facts.

Nappies be nappy

Dear Ann Abler,

Should I use cloth diapers? I feel bad about all that trash in the sea, but I fear it will leave even less time for me.

Help,
Party Pooper

Dear Pooper,

Fuck that. Poop is gross. You need disposibles so you have more time to focus on your poetry.  Say three hail mommies and buy a new lipstick. 

Ciao.