Off to Work We Go

Dear Ann Abler,

I’ve been a stay at home mom for over two years and I’m ready to go back to work. A friend said I should wait until my toddler is in preschool. I could use a few of your expert excuses, so I don’t admit I'm going to work again in order drink my coffee uninterrupted and go to the bathroom alone. 

While you’re at it, can you share some tips to ease the transition and also relieve my momguilt?

- Wam Bam no more a SAHM

Dear Wam Bam,

Going back to work, you say? Let me put my sassy pants on and say, Giiiirrrrl, you’ve been at work! You’re a mom! And as a fellow food fetcher / homework helper / lullaby singer / boo-boo bandager, I can say it is one of the most exhausting, essence-sucking, rewarding and fulfilling jobs out there. 

I will now replace the sassy pants with yoga pants, in order to better espouse expert excuses in a zen state of mind. That’s how yoga pants work.

Expert Excuses

Taylor Swift recently reminded us of the immutable truth that players gonna play and haters will frequently hate. You have some options of how to respond to those who doubt your decision-making skills. If you’re feeling self-deprecating-ish, focus on how you are a horrible person and would be ruining your kid if you spent any more time with him and so you're bringing in professional help. If you’re feeling more blame-y, just say how other moms suck much more than you. Try phrases like, “at least I’m better than that Sheila…her baby’s first word was iPad,” or “sure Tracy stays at home with her kids, but she plays possum until they figure out the Common Core homework and forage for food on their own”. History (and by history I mean The Real Housewives) shows us that putting down others is a great way to feel better about ourselves. 

Okay, expert excuses…check! Let’s move on to getting you work ready and curing that momguilt.

Transitioning to work

Unless one of your co-workers makes you run an emotional marathon every minute (as children are wont to do), you can bask in your newfound freedom from Mr. Two-year-old’s wild ride. Yes, you’ll miss your kiddo, but keep your head up and follow these guidelines:

• Get used to using grown-up sounding words like merger, accountability, transparency, and remuneration.
• Get un-used to saying phrases like “come to mommy,” “look who’s a big boy,” and “does someone need a diaper change?”
• Get your child accustomed to communicating with you on Face-time and Skype. Then, once your toddler says something heart-wrenching like, “mommy lives in computer now,” refer to remedies listed below.

 

Medicine for Momguilt

Below are a few tips for softening the sting of being away from little ones:

• Remember that whomever you’ve left your offspring with is equally capable of placing them in front of the television.
• Bring a picture of your little darling and the drawing he did on the wall.

  

  The artist admiring his work, Line Drawing on Wall, Marker, 2014

• If you’re missing your baby, have your supervisor sneeze some snot out and use you as a human kleenex.
• Reacquaint yourself with your own thoughts. They've missed you.
• Now that you're away from your Little for much of the day, you won't have to find a way to escape him. You can both enjoy that extra clingy desperation in your hugs and kisses.

Parents concur it's often more hide; less seek

• See if a co-worker can climb on top of your head, knee you in the nose, and mess up whatever hairstyle you’ve attempted. This will remind you that the solitary nature of data entry has its perks.
• Remember that being a stay at home mom (SAHM) is half housework anyhow, so take comfort in the fact that you CANNOT be doing laundry right now. 
• Observe and appreciate how your coffee cup remains miraculously un-spilled as you complete task after un-interrupted task. 

You're gonna do great! Or perhaps you'll get fired for crying at your desk, I really can't say, I'm not a fortune teller. I'm just your Ann Abler, Excuse Expert. 

May your family be healthy and your commute not involve the 405,
Your Dear Ann Abler 

For anyone else reading this, please chime in with your own words of wisdom in the Comments Section below.  Then follow me on Pinterest, Twitter, or like me, really really like me on Facebook.

Nursing Babies: Sweet Angels or Essence-Sucking Skeksis?

Dear Ann Abler,

So cute not sucking out your sanity

My son has a cold and has been attached to my boob for no less then 8 hours in the past 24. When does the La Leche League come to my door with a prize (like french fries or beer)? 
Also, at what point is it no longer milk coming out and just particles of my sanity?

Sincerely,

Barnacled Maid

Dear Barnacled,

I just did the emotional math...and 8 out of 24 equals almost 100% of the time that you feel like you have a precious little parasite attached to your teats. That is the emotional truth of the matter, and we may never know the “real” answer because I grew up in the era when Barbie told me, “math class is tough” and “let’s go shopping,” and I wanted to follow in her footsteps because she was an astronaut/nurse/doctor with a Dream House. 

Back to you and your baby boob barnacle. Am I right in saying that you feel you are nothing more than udders? A 24 hour lactation station? An all boob banquet? The milk-making MVP? These are all valid feelings, and you are right in wondering where La Leche League is with your beer…or your fries…or your beer-battered fries. Mmmm. If La Leche League included beer and french fry delivery in their menu of services, imagine how much more powerful their political presence could be. Until La Leche League jumps on this genius idea, you’ll have to rely on friends and family for sustenance. You could also try wearing one of those hydration hiking packs with a long straw, but that might make you feel like you’re plugged into some sort of milk-making Matrix of mere survival. And what is survival without sanity? Motherhood. Apparently.

You, right now. Image via darkcrystal.wikia.com

So let’s get back to solving your problem. I’ll start by giving you kudos for identifying your nearly null neural activity on your slippery slope to total brain drain. At this point, your baby is much like one of the skeksis from The Dark Crystal, sucking out your essence, and you must be saved. Your grey matter matters to me.

My usual approach of avoidance and denial don’t do the trick in this case, so we’ll have to skip to shifting the blame – the other go-to skill in your dear Ann Abler’s toolbox. It is imperative that you make sure everyone knows you should not be held responsible for remembering anything or behaving normally at this time. If you forget to put the gas pump back in its place, you can blame the baby. If you tell your family Thanksgiving is cancelled, no one can get mad; they should just toss scraps of food at you from a safe distance. If you don’t to do the dishes, no worries! You kept a baby human alive another day. You’re a goddess! If you accidentally serve your husband with divorce papers, he should take it in stride and have a hearty chuckle over it as he does those dishes you didn't do. You can do no wrong right now. All you need to do is use this post like you would a doctor’s note. It will excuse you for everything. Promise.*

Now go say three Hail Mommies and attempt to unlatch and unwind...or if you can't, then call another breastfeeding mom and talk about how this is all really gonna pay off once your babies are grown and ace those SATs. 

Always right,
Your Ann Abler 

(*Promise like how 'literally' means 'not literally' nowadays. Also, I am not a doctor.)

Return of the Mac n' Cheese

Dear Ann,

Ain't nothin' wrong...with a little Mac n' Cheese

Is it OK that I'm nearly forcing my child to like mac and cheese so that I can eat 80% of the box myself?

Return of the Mac

Dear Return of the Mac,

Is the Pope Catholic? Is raising children like having pet monkeys? Did I just find an excuse to link to a previous post? Do I still say "oh no you di-n’t" in my head when someone cuts me off driving? Yes, I admit it. Acceptance is the first step in recovery, and my addiction happens to be outdated sayings from decades past. But this is not about me. It’s about you and your child and the mac and the cheese. The answer to all of these questions – and yours – is yes.

Sure, you could bake your own kale chips or make soup using the organic squash from your perfectly tended garden, but the trolley doesn’t always stop in the land of make believe. Sometimes it stalls in the real world, and in the real world, it’s okay to make some mac n’ damn cheese.

Call me if you make cheese kale chips www.rawfoodrecipes.com

No guilt. No #momguilt. Hakuna Matata. Now say three Hail Mommies and find a nice sauvignon blanc to pair with your mac. 

As always,

Your Ann Abler

Kidpanzees

© Damomz | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Dear Ann Abler,

I'm 34 and my fiance and I don't know if we're sold on the idea of having kids. What do you think? Is it everything they say it is?

~ Undecided in Delaware

Dear Undecided,

Oh it's everything they say and more! Who are they, by the way, and what else are they saying? Did they mention that the terrible twos actually happen every two years? Did they tell you that you will be alternately cuted out and worn out on a daily basis? Let's just say having kids is like a slumber party you never have the chance to sleep off.

No one can tell you whether you should procreate or not, except the Duggars (who scoff at single digit families), and your future mother-in-law. Also your friend at work who thinks kids are gross probably has an opinion.

Make way for ducklings? (© Lisa F. Young Dreamstime Stock Photos)

It's a very complex and nuanced decision to have children, so ask yourselves these questions: Was Marcel your favorite Friends character? Do the zany antics of Curious George make you smile and shake your head sit-com style? Have you always wanted a monkey that is all your own? If you answered yes to these, then you should consider making a baby. Having a little one is like raising a less hairy primate, and you don't need a special permit or training, like you would to get a monkey or a chimp.

From the their charming wide-eyed gaze, to the creative expression they will find for feces, your bonobo-like baby will bring you as many hours of fun as your dream chimp. Your living room could soon be like Gorillas in the Mist and you are Sigourney Weaver. I mean Jane Goodall. Or you could have a living room with glass sculptures and host wine parties (this would be the no kids option). It's really up to you and your fiance.

I'll be here for you either way,

Your Ann Abler

Ann Abler of the Week - #2

Each Saturday I give an Ann Abler of the Week Award  to a person, tweet, or post that embodies the essence of your Dear Ann Abler's advice. In other words, anything that says:

• You're doing it wrong, and that’s alright
• Don’t judge lest ye be a parent too someday
• I'm struggling with my life choices and need a hug/drink/smoke 

This week I learned something new from Junkyard Poet (@junkyardigan). While many of us have heard of a herd, there are other names for groups of animals (a pride of lions, a murder of crows, a crash of rhinos), and apparently a phrase for a group of children:

Thank you Junkyard Poet for reminding us why they serve beer at Chuck E. Cheese's.

If you would like to be considered or nominate someone for this very prestigious award, send me a message via this site (comment section or homepage email form), Facebook, or Twitter, and include #AnnAblerOfTheWeek.

Cheers!

Your Ann Abler 

Ann Abler of the Week - #1

Each Saturday I will give an Ann Abler of the Week Award  to a person, tweet, or post that embodies the essence of your Dear Ann Abler's advice. In other words, anything that says:

• You're doing it wrong, and that’s alright
• Don’t judge lest ye be a parent too someday
• I'm struggling with my life choices and need a hug/drink/smoke 

The first recipient of this prestigious award is Anna Marcelina of the Twitterverse, for her ingenuity and trailblazing in teether utilization.

Congratulations Anna! You are the first Ann (Anna) Abler of the Week. How appropriate.

If you would like to be considered or nominate someone for this (again, very prestigious) award, send me a message via this site, Facebook, or Twitter, and include #AnnAblerOfTheWeek.

Cheers!

Your Ann Abler

Is it possible to OD on FB?

Dear Ann,
 

Is it just me, or are there one too many obligatory social networks? I feel aimless in my frenzied clicking, unfulfilled by online “friend”-ships, and spread so thin I might be wasting away. Is it possible to OD on social media? 

~ Tweeter McPinstagram

Dear Tweeter,

I think you have hit upon something that many of us feel, but don’t always express; except by pinning or retweeting a meme about it. 

We yearn to belong and be loved, to share and to connect. However, spending time on social media can sometimes make you feel like a lab rat insanely smacking at a lever for one more food pellet. Must. Keep. Clicking.

This tweet from @SkinnieTalls explains how social media can be a bit of a mixed bag:

But while it’s not super probable that you’ll OD on SM, it is possible to become this:
 

And – given that we have islands of trash piling up in our oceans and can’t say no to McAnything – we are probably just a few tiny baby steps from this:

http://stenningfamilynews.blogspot.com

 
It is important to ask ourselves questions like yours, and also questions like: 

• Is there such a thing as too much technology? 
• Are we on a downward spiral as a species? 
• Will a modern-day scurvy wipe out our Google Glass Explorers? 
• When we look at our children’s faces, are we looking for the “pin it” button? 

  

  Do I have something on my forehead?

• If we’re plugged in all the time, when do we stop being people and start being robots? 
• Why can’t we focus all our technological efforts on time travel so we can impress kids with our skateboarding skills and go to our parents' Enchantment Under the Sea dance? 
• Or (a question that alternately causes me relief or terror – depending on my mood) are we already robots…just a series of electrical impulses…a combination of 0s and 1s? 

I don’t have the answers to these questions, so let's just hope that people share their thoughts in the comments section. 

What I can say is that unless you’re prepared to go Full Amish, you’ll need to maintain some level of engagement with technology and social media. So why not enjoy the process, and see how it all goes down? 

Maybe we'll go the way of the boneless baby-bodied humans in Wall-E. Perhaps our consciousness will be transferred to The Cloud like in that movie no one saw. Or maybe we'll get sucked into the screen by a Pinterest poltergeist as we attempt to pin a color palette. Let's just lean in. Instead of turn on, tune in, drop out, how about a more appropriate motto for this millennium like spread out and veg out? Let’s go full circle and see if we can bring on the devolution of the species. Maybe then we can start from scratch. Have a re-do. A do over. Cue Circle of Life.

This would be a great time to...

Follow me on Pinterest

Follow me on Twitter

Like me on Facebook

Tell me how to use Google+

Virtually,

Your Ann Abler

 

Workin' for a Lovin'

From the Twitterverse @MartinQuinn66 asks:

Dear Ann,

There's a new girl at work I quite like. How long should I wait before starting the rumour we're sleeping together?

Dear MQ,

What a harmless and appropriate question! After giving it some careful consideration, I think you won’t even need to start a rumor, because together we can make it true! If you follow these tips (the DOs, not the DON’Ts!), you’ll lasso Little Lassie in no time:

DO keep compliments short and sweet: “nice dress” or “great idea!”

DON’T follow a compliment with the Hannibal Lecter toothy lip thing:

DO ask what she did over the weekend.

DON’T ask what flavor she chose at Yogurtland on 2^nd Street at 3 pm on Saturday and who was that person she was with because you don’t think he’s the one for her, and her hair smells yummy today.

DO quote great thinkers, when appropriate.

DON’T randomly quote Willy Wonka when you walk by her cubicle. Especially avoid:

Next time, try to open your mouth a little wider when you speak.

Everything inside is eatable, I mean edible, I mean you can eat everything.

We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams.

DO buy her a thoughtful gift if you are her secret Santa.

DON’T buy her exact shade of lipstick, smudge it on your collar, and walk up behind her wildly pointing and gesturing so that co-workers totally “get it”.

DO bring her a beverage at lunch and casually say, “you like coke, right?”

DON’T put a pubic hair on top of it.

DO give her a friendly remind her about tomorrow morning’s meeting.

DON’T tell her she should skip the sexual harassment seminar, or mention how you think knowing your rights as an employee can really slow down the mating process.

DO show your artistic side by casually leaving your sketchbook open on your desk.

DON’T show your artistic side by performing an interpretive dance to Adele’s Someone Like You when you’re the last two people in the office.

DO arrange to get a phone call that enables you to use your French language skills. Bonus move: Either throw your head back in laughter to appear jovial or use a hushed voice to seem mysterious.

DON’T arrange to get a phone call from your dermatologist to discuss the details of that disturbing rash.

DO mention you’re seeing someone new (unavailable = intriguing), and ask Little Lassie whether she thinks it’s too soon to show her Greece, or if you should just take her through some country roads on the back of your motorcycle.

DON’T mention that you actually mean watching the movie Grease, and by motorcycle you actually mean unicycle.

DO set her free if it's not meant to be.
DON'T do this: 

I hope you have the best of luck with your lady friend. However, if things don’t work out with this new girl at work, you should really try your luck in the States. Not only does spelling rumor “rumour” make you seem fancy to us, but if you’ve seen the documentary Love Actually then you will know that American girls will immediately bed a boy with an accent. Just channel your inner Ewan McGreggor or Sean Connery, and you’re set.

That is all,

Your Ann Abler 

P.S. Now be a lamb and tell your friends to follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.

We Like to Potty

This question comes to us via @2babies1buggy on Twitter:

How do you potty train a 1 year old? It seems to be going really slow with no progress. I need HELP! 

Dear Potty People,

Not as groovy as the Peace Train.

I’m usually a huge supporter of denial, but just so we're all clear here, you're actually attempting to potty-train two children, correct? I’m not a detective or anything, but watching Murder, She Wrote has strengthened my skills of observation enough to solve this case of the telling Twitter handle. You are humbly downplaying the fact that you, 2babies1buggy, have TWO children you hope to potty-train. I only bring it up because your denial is misplaced; you should be in denial that potty training needs to happen at all.

What’s the rush to train the little tots? In a few short several decades most of us are back in diapers anyhow. Kind of makes you wonder if it’s worth all the work. Before investing your time and energy in something, you really have to consider if NOT investing your time and energy is an option. Let’s explore this thought further…

Avoidance is one of my all-time favorite coping mechanisms, and I believe you could really benefit from such an approach at this time. Why not adopt (or invent) a parenting technique that lets the children decide when they’d like to stop shitting themselves? It will make you seem sensitive. While you’re at it, consider re-branding yourself as an extreme environmentalist who is very concerned about the California drought and doesn’t want to flush excessively right now. The fact you don’t live in the state will show how truly empathic you are to our plight. Plus, urine is totally organic, and you support organic things on your children’s skin, right? (Just so you know, the only socially acceptable answer to a question with the word "organic" in it is: "Yes!").

I happen to be an expert in the field of potty training in that I am a potty-trained American. While I'm pleased about my bladder control capabilities, I feel like I would have arrived at this point eventually. Worrying about when to start potty training is like worrying about how long to breastfeed; don't worry about it. Just roll with it, baby. Or at least put it off for another day. Or, get one of these:

I hope you can really explore your skills of avoidance, or else I feel like my time here was wasted.

Ciao,

Your Ann Abler