Tight on Time? Multi-Task Like a Mutha

Dear Ann Abler,

Photo via +Engadget of +Portlandia (http://bit.ly/Technology-Loop)

I feel like time is not on my side. Kids are crawling all over me and I hardly have a second for myself. When I finally do have a moment alone, I’m so scatterbrained that all I can do is retweet, like, or pin things.

#SendHelp
#SOS
#mombrain,

Hashtag Hannah

 

Dear #,

Not this cat/cow (image via +TechTarget)

Breathe. Breathe again. Back away from the screen. Wait – not yet – read these words of wisdom first. Breathe in and out again, maybe do a couple cat/cows, and then have a seat with me. 

First off, commit to whatever it is you’re doing in the moment. Unless it’s listening to your 7-year-old recite a really long Christmas wish list. In August. Something like that could really go on forever, and as you’ve made clear, you barely have a moment to yourself, let alone a “forever.” I know most parenting professionals say give your children 100% of your attention whenever possible, but does anyone really give 100% of their attention to anything, except maybe a sneeze or an orgasm?

Whoever said “live in the now,” maybe didn’t realize there are 17 things going on in the now. Multi-tasking is a must, and it is possible to love your children AND pay partial attention to them, all while chewing gum. You can employ this “adore/ignore” technique and unleash your social media spasms amidst the surrounding chaos of said children.

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While little Layla is doing her 27^th handstand saying “look at me,” you can pin some groovy color palettes on Pinterest or retweet the latest injustice. You paid attention all the way through handstand #26; you’ve earned your ignore points. Or if you’re gonna plop down tiny Timmy in front of some Tutitu, try a split screen and start checking the stats on your blog. I only assume you have a blog because you’re a mom, and that’s pretty much standard protocol these days. (Or if not, then I imagine you at least have a decent Facebook or Twitter presence. If not, are you reading this post on parchment paper?). But I digress.

Getting back to your question, the lesson to be learned here is that if you employ my patented sub-par parenting approach, then you can use your truly alone time for more focused activity, whether it be reading, writing, exercising, or whatever you can squeeze in those few precious moments.

As this post does not require your full attention, I hope you are reading it while telling your children, “excellent handstand, honey!” or “put that knife down, Timmy.” You might actually want to investigate that last one further.

Sub-par is better than no-par,

Your Ann Abler

#FullHouseFitness

Dear Ann Abler,

My kids are obsessed with Full House. I never actually enjoyed the show, even when I was younger. Sure Uncle Jesse is hot, but the stories are so sappy and I’m tired of my children telling me, “you got it, dude!” It’s everywhere I look…everywhere I go…I’m considering cutting it off completely, but the kids might revolt. I need my Ann Abler, STAT.

~ Have Mercy

Dear Mercy,

First off, it could be worse. The fact that your children are saying, “you got it dude” is far better than the things they will be shouting at you in their teens. Secondly, I have a solution.

Here is how to handle watching Full House without gagging on the cheesiness. I first thought of making this a drinking game, but then decided to do a healthy version, replacing directives like “drink!” and “chug” with different exercises and stretches. However, please feel free to replace “take a drink” for any of these, if you’ve had a rough day. The work out will wait until tomorrow.

Your Full House Fitness Plan:

1. Start your warm-up by jogging in place when you hear the “ahahahahhhh”
2. Do five jumping jacks when Kimmy Gibler insults Danny Tanner.
3. Do some neck rolls (to match your eye rolls) each time the music informs you that a tender moment is occurring and that you should be feeling some feelings.
4. Do ten push-ups whenever uncle Joey’s mom jeans appear on screen.
5. Do some stretching while Uncle Jesse has his heart-to-heart with one of the girls. Most likely it will be Michelle, as it seems the producers of the show realized the Uncle Jesse + cute toddler combo made it fun for the whole family.
6. Do a forward fold each time the studio audience says “aaawwww”. Not only are forward folds great for releasing lower back tension, but this will also allow you to look through your legs and AWAY from the TV.
7. If you say a character’s uber-predictable line before they do, you get a free pass on the next exercise.
8. Do 20 sit-ups whenever Uncle Jesse flirts with a foxy lady, or says “hubba hubba” and/or “have mercy”
9. Do 10 jumping jacks when Danny Tanner realizes that maybe he doesn’t have it all under control and needs a little help from his friends.
10. Do 15 squats if Stephanie or D.J. get jealous of Michelle.

I could probably think of a few more, but I would rather hear some suggestions from others, whether you love, hate, or love/hate Full House. There are so many memorable moments, predictable plot lines, and scrunchy-inspired styles that have not yet been mentioned. So…please share your ideas for Full House Fitness right here in the comments section, on  Dear Ann Abler's Facebook page, or on Twitter (#FullHouseFitness and tag @DearAnnAbler). 

Hope that helps! If not, there's always the option to Lean in - have the whole family dress as their favorite character as you watch it together. Side ponytails have a way of lifting everyone's spirits.

- Your Ann Abler