Ann Abler of the Week - #3

Each Saturday I give an Ann Abler of the Week Award  to a person, tweet, or post that embodies the essence of your Dear Ann Abler's advice. In other words, anything that says:

• Doing it wrong is quite alright
• Don’t judge lest ye be a parent too someday
• I need a hug/drink/smoke, stat

This week the Ann Abler of the Week Award goes to O'Doyle Rules! (@gary_doyle).
I feel the force is strong with this one:

If you would like to be considered or nominate someone for this very prestigious award, send me a message via this site (comment section or homepage email form), Facebook, or Twitter, and include #AnnAblerOfTheWeek.

Cheers!

Your Ann Abler  

Kidpanzees

© Damomz | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Dear Ann Abler,

I'm 34 and my fiance and I don't know if we're sold on the idea of having kids. What do you think? Is it everything they say it is?

~ Undecided in Delaware

Dear Undecided,

Oh it's everything they say and more! Who are they, by the way, and what else are they saying? Did they mention that the terrible twos actually happen every two years? Did they tell you that you will be alternately cuted out and worn out on a daily basis? Let's just say having kids is like a slumber party you never have the chance to sleep off.

No one can tell you whether you should procreate or not, except the Duggars (who scoff at single digit families), and your future mother-in-law. Also your friend at work who thinks kids are gross probably has an opinion.

Make way for ducklings? (© Lisa F. Young Dreamstime Stock Photos)

It's a very complex and nuanced decision to have children, so ask yourselves these questions: Was Marcel your favorite Friends character? Do the zany antics of Curious George make you smile and shake your head sit-com style? Have you always wanted a monkey that is all your own? If you answered yes to these, then you should consider making a baby. Having a little one is like raising a less hairy primate, and you don't need a special permit or training, like you would to get a monkey or a chimp.

From the their charming wide-eyed gaze, to the creative expression they will find for feces, your bonobo-like baby will bring you as many hours of fun as your dream chimp. Your living room could soon be like Gorillas in the Mist and you are Sigourney Weaver. I mean Jane Goodall. Or you could have a living room with glass sculptures and host wine parties (this would be the no kids option). It's really up to you and your fiance.

I'll be here for you either way,

Your Ann Abler

Ann Abler of the Week - #2

Each Saturday I give an Ann Abler of the Week Award  to a person, tweet, or post that embodies the essence of your Dear Ann Abler's advice. In other words, anything that says:

• You're doing it wrong, and that’s alright
• Don’t judge lest ye be a parent too someday
• I'm struggling with my life choices and need a hug/drink/smoke 

This week I learned something new from Junkyard Poet (@junkyardigan). While many of us have heard of a herd, there are other names for groups of animals (a pride of lions, a murder of crows, a crash of rhinos), and apparently a phrase for a group of children:

Thank you Junkyard Poet for reminding us why they serve beer at Chuck E. Cheese's.

If you would like to be considered or nominate someone for this very prestigious award, send me a message via this site (comment section or homepage email form), Facebook, or Twitter, and include #AnnAblerOfTheWeek.

Cheers!

Your Ann Abler 

Your Older Kid Can Come in Handy (remix)

Dear Ann Abler,

My baby fell asleep in my lap, so I called my seven y.o. daughter over to bring me a beer. Should I have asked for a glass of red wine instead? I hear it has antioxidants or magic in it. But beer has hops and something...

Thoughts?
- Nap Lap Night Cap

Dear Nap Lap,

You should have asked for two. She might have been out of ear-shot the next time you needed her.

If you feel inspired to live your life by following the advice of old French advertisements, then here's one you might like:

Say two hail mommies and chug the beer when the seven year old says, "mommy." It's a modern mother's drinking game.

Ciao.

p.s. You can always read up on beer and breastfeeding at La Leche League, if you are into facts.


This is a re-post of some excellent advice given in April. Since it was pretty much just my mom reading my blog at that time, I feel okay with this redundancy. Also I have to fold some laundry. 
If you would like to see more brand new posts, please send in YOUR question, or ask a question "for a friend." You can send in your question via the Dear Ann Abler blog, Facebook, or Twitter. 
Happy Friday. Play nice.
 

Hungry Hungry Husbands

Dear Ann, 

Part of your complete breakfast?

My husband stops at the grocery store on the way home from work and this is all he buys. 

Am I married to an 11 year old?

Send help,

Homeboy’s Wife

Dear Homeboy's Wife, 

While I'm guessing your husband is not 11, he may very well be high. The only thing wrong with this picture is the clear lack of salsa and guacamole, but at least he bought some chips that help support a good cause, so you can pat him on the head for that (in a totally non-condescending way).

The mixing and matching of dips is an essential skill in a life partner. I have included here one example of a perfect snack pairing, available at your nearest Trader Joe's:

Good idea, or the best idea?

Shopping can sometimes bring unexpected challenges, though, so tell him to look out for products that are over 1800 years past the expiration date, like this one:

SELL BY 01/02/143??

Perhaps you should get him some snack flashcards, and go over them before he goes near a grocery store again. Sometimes you have to give people a second chance. Or a third. Or a fourth. I used to only know how to buy expensive cheeses while avoiding student loans. Now I have learned about things called coupons. Not that I have used coupons, but acknowledging their existence is the first step toward savings, right? 

Have your husband join you in saying three Hail Mommies, and then take a toke of whatever your husband’s smoking (if you live in one of these places) and feed each other some Nutella and chips.

Yours munchingly,

Ann Abler

Ann Abler of the Week - #1

Each Saturday I will give an Ann Abler of the Week Award  to a person, tweet, or post that embodies the essence of your Dear Ann Abler's advice. In other words, anything that says:

• You're doing it wrong, and that’s alright
• Don’t judge lest ye be a parent too someday
• I'm struggling with my life choices and need a hug/drink/smoke 

The first recipient of this prestigious award is Anna Marcelina of the Twitterverse, for her ingenuity and trailblazing in teether utilization.

Congratulations Anna! You are the first Ann (Anna) Abler of the Week. How appropriate.

If you would like to be considered or nominate someone for this (again, very prestigious) award, send me a message via this site, Facebook, or Twitter, and include #AnnAblerOfTheWeek.

Cheers!

Your Ann Abler

A Woman's Work is Never Fun

Dear Ann Abler,

Why is it okay for my husband to pay a lawn service, but not okay for me to have a housekeeper? I am busier than he is. I spend all day writing, teaching, raising two boys (12 and 4), completing grad school assignments, and talking to my mama on the phone. Isn't that enough? Don't I deserve domestic relief?

~  Jody Dyer

Dear Jody,

It sounds like you're in a 'Dyer' Situation. Sorry. I channeled Fozzie Bear; I'll start over:

Ahem. Domestic relief? You deserve a Nobel peace prize for not going ballistic and an Academy Award for Best Supporting Everything. How are you even able to compose a coherent sentence? Lay down or have a drink, please, because you’re making me tired.

First off, has it actually been established that it’s not “okay” for you to get a housekeeper? Second, does your husband only live in the yard? Who determined that a housekeeper is for you and lawn service is for him? Unless your house is pink and the yard is blue, there is really no way sure-fire way to divide this stuff up according to sex. 

Is this your house?

Now, you could be straightforward with your husband, and discuss your budget and options over dinner. Or, you could do the next most sensible thing and ask, “what would Lucy do?” Well, according to Season 2, Episode 4 (see how it’s sort of like quoting Bible verses?), the best thing to do is switch places with your husband for a week. You do his job. He does yours. Hilarity ensues. You might have some ‘splaining to do, but everyone will learn a little something along the way. Get ready for some zany antics, because those will happen as well. 

Who's got splaining to do now?

If for any reason that fool-proof plan fails, you can try doing what Ray did in Everybody Loves Raymond, and just be really bad at housework until your spouse insists on taking over (or getting you some help!).

Poor Debra

Isn't it nice how TV can solve all of our problems?

Zany!

Now say two Hail Mommies and pour yourself a margarita. Unless it’s before 5 pm. In that case, make yourself a mimosa. 

You’re welcome,

Your Ann Abler

Is it possible to OD on FB?

Dear Ann,
 

Is it just me, or are there one too many obligatory social networks? I feel aimless in my frenzied clicking, unfulfilled by online “friend”-ships, and spread so thin I might be wasting away. Is it possible to OD on social media? 

~ Tweeter McPinstagram

Dear Tweeter,

I think you have hit upon something that many of us feel, but don’t always express; except by pinning or retweeting a meme about it. 

We yearn to belong and be loved, to share and to connect. However, spending time on social media can sometimes make you feel like a lab rat insanely smacking at a lever for one more food pellet. Must. Keep. Clicking.

This tweet from @SkinnieTalls explains how social media can be a bit of a mixed bag:

But while it’s not super probable that you’ll OD on SM, it is possible to become this:
 

And – given that we have islands of trash piling up in our oceans and can’t say no to McAnything – we are probably just a few tiny baby steps from this:

http://stenningfamilynews.blogspot.com

 
It is important to ask ourselves questions like yours, and also questions like: 

• Is there such a thing as too much technology? 
• Are we on a downward spiral as a species? 
• Will a modern-day scurvy wipe out our Google Glass Explorers? 
• When we look at our children’s faces, are we looking for the “pin it” button? 

  

  Do I have something on my forehead?

• If we’re plugged in all the time, when do we stop being people and start being robots? 
• Why can’t we focus all our technological efforts on time travel so we can impress kids with our skateboarding skills and go to our parents' Enchantment Under the Sea dance? 
• Or (a question that alternately causes me relief or terror – depending on my mood) are we already robots…just a series of electrical impulses…a combination of 0s and 1s? 

I don’t have the answers to these questions, so let's just hope that people share their thoughts in the comments section. 

What I can say is that unless you’re prepared to go Full Amish, you’ll need to maintain some level of engagement with technology and social media. So why not enjoy the process, and see how it all goes down? 

Maybe we'll go the way of the boneless baby-bodied humans in Wall-E. Perhaps our consciousness will be transferred to The Cloud like in that movie no one saw. Or maybe we'll get sucked into the screen by a Pinterest poltergeist as we attempt to pin a color palette. Let's just lean in. Instead of turn on, tune in, drop out, how about a more appropriate motto for this millennium like spread out and veg out? Let’s go full circle and see if we can bring on the devolution of the species. Maybe then we can start from scratch. Have a re-do. A do over. Cue Circle of Life.

This would be a great time to...

Follow me on Pinterest

Follow me on Twitter

Like me on Facebook

Tell me how to use Google+

Virtually,

Your Ann Abler

 

Too Soon for Toddler Tea Time?

Dear Ann Abler,

My baby drank Jenga, and he's okay.

Is there a reason I shouldn't be giving my toddler decaf, unsweetened ice tea? I'm obsessed and so she is too. I can't resist her sweet, lisp-y "I thirthty" whenever she sees it…should I try to resist?

What do you think?

Tea Time Troubles

Dear Triple T,

I believe the saying “resistance is futile” was first uttered during an encounter with a tantrum-throwing toddler. Google tells me it's from Star Trek, but there are certain things a mother just feels and I feel it was because of a toddler.

My favorite piece of parenting advice is when people tell you to “pick your battles” because it means you can do whatever you want. You can either pick the battle or not pick it, and you are following instructions. You win! So there you go, pick your battles.

If you’re unsatisfied with that answer and still unsure about the dietary needs of your little one, you can always be sensible and consult the American Academy of Pediatrics. However, I know you came to your Dear Ann Abler because you’re cool like that, and you know I won’t tell you anything you don’t want to hear. And, to be honest, I’m still not sure if the AAP was just joking when they suggested keeping toddlers away from the TV for their first two years. Has to be a joke, right?

Back to your question, and my answer - which has been brewed just for you: 

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! 

Give your girl some sips of the stuff. Didn’t moms used to give their babies whiskey, for the love of Keith Richards? I hardly think a drink of decaf unsweetened iced tea will do her in, but again, in case it wasn’t clear, I am not a doctor. But I feel like one.

Of course there's a Ryan Gosling Kale meme (via http://eartheasy.tumblr.com)

If you have any lingering guilt about your decision, just put some kale in it. No one can argue with kale. Kale is invincible and is always right. If kale were a human, it would be Ryan Gosling. Say something bad about kale, and suffer the wrath of the vegan mafia. I’m not sure this is true, but I feel it is. 

Now go have some tea for two with your little cutie,

Your Ann Abler