Friday, August 1, 2014

We Like to Potty

This question comes to us via @2babies1buggy on Twitter:
How do you potty train a 1 year old? It seems to be going really slow with no progress. I need HELP! 

Dear Potty People,

Not as groovy as the Peace Train.
I’m usually a huge supporter of denial, but just so we're all clear here, you're actually attempting to potty-train two children, correct? I’m not a detective or anything, but watching Murder, She Wrote has strengthened my skills of observation enough to solve this case of the telling Twitter handle. You are humbly downplaying the fact that you, 2babies1buggy, have TWO children you hope to potty-train. I only bring it up because your denial is misplaced; you should be in denial that potty training needs to happen at all.

What’s the rush to train the little tots? In a few short several decades most of us are back in diapers anyhow. Kind of makes you wonder if it’s worth all the work. Before investing your time and energy in something, you really have to consider if NOT investing your time and energy is an option. Let’s explore this thought further…

Avoidance is one of my all-time favorite coping mechanisms, and I believe you could really benefit from such an approach at this time. Why not adopt (or invent) a parenting technique that lets the children decide when they’d like to stop shitting themselves? It will make you seem sensitive. While you’re at it, consider re-branding yourself as an extreme environmentalist who is very concerned about the California drought and doesn’t want to flush excessively right now. The fact you don’t live in the state will show how truly empathic you are to our plight. Plus, urine is totally organic, and you support organic things on your children’s skin, right? (Just so you know, the only socially acceptable answer to a question with the word "organic" in it is: "Yes!").

I happen to be an expert in the field of potty training in that I am a potty-trained American. While I'm pleased about my bladder control capabilities, I feel like I would have arrived at this point eventually. Worrying about when to start potty training is like worrying about how long to breastfeed; don't worry about it. Just roll with it, baby. Or at least put it off for another day. Or, get one of these:

I hope you can really explore your skills of avoidance, or else I feel like my time here was wasted.

Your Ann Abler

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