Pubes R' Us

Dear Ann,

I recently waxed my nether regions as a way of saying, "Happy Anniversary" to my husband. Now it’s all red and blotchy. What the hell are Brazilians thinking? 

Please tell me I never have to do this again.

~ All Plucked Up

Fiction: The flower petals make it painless!

Dear Plucked,

I can think of other ways to say "Happy Anniversary," like spelling it with frosting on a cake, or saying it with your mouth (however you’d like to interpret that). Ripping out the friendly reminder of what makes you a grown-up-lady-human-animal is not the only option. With this ever so sweet yet sadistic act you were also saying, go ahead and pretend I’m a mannequin, it’s cool.

There’s a reason hair is on our “down there.” Many have explained this eloquently in the past. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t groom it to your liking, or even rip it all out if that is your heart’s desire. Just inform the heart that it’s writing a check your cooch can’t cash. As you have just experienced, waxing can make you look like you went bareback riding in a sand-paper bikini, or like a recently plucked chicken with a sunburn.

If you don’t want to do it again, don’t. You have every right to proudly rock your pubes. And the exact opposite is true: you can proudly rock your plucked parts. I'm not an anti-waxer, I'm just anti-societal-pressure-to-wax. A "beach-ready" body is every body. 

Reality:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRKbez1LpWU

Before I go on, I want to ask my sisters out there: Do you think we can spend less time coming up with anti-heteronormative hashtags and spelling women “womyn,” and instead focus our energy on making a comeback of leg and pube hair (while dismantling patriarchy in all its forms, of course)? We need a pube pioneer. I think if Selma Hayek declares it cool, then it shall be so. What do you say Selma? Wanna go “full Santa Cruz” and use your celebrity for a good cause?

Well, Ms. Plucked, I hope you feel empowered in your process of re-forrestation. If your husband is disappointed by the decision, perhaps you can show him some 1970’s erotica to arouse his inner Burt Reynolds. Break out the bear-skinned rug and celebrate your anniversary in style. Disco style.

Now go apply some aloe vera and pour yourself a drink. 

Your Ann Abler