Off to Work We Go

Dear Ann Abler,

I’ve been a stay at home mom for over two years and I’m ready to go back to work. A friend said I should wait until my toddler is in preschool. I could use a few of your expert excuses, so I don’t admit I'm going to work again in order drink my coffee uninterrupted and go to the bathroom alone. 

While you’re at it, can you share some tips to ease the transition and also relieve my momguilt?

- Wam Bam no more a SAHM

Dear Wam Bam,

Going back to work, you say? Let me put my sassy pants on and say, Giiiirrrrl, you’ve been at work! You’re a mom! And as a fellow food fetcher / homework helper / lullaby singer / boo-boo bandager, I can say it is one of the most exhausting, essence-sucking, rewarding and fulfilling jobs out there. 

I will now replace the sassy pants with yoga pants, in order to better espouse expert excuses in a zen state of mind. That’s how yoga pants work.

Expert Excuses

Taylor Swift recently reminded us of the immutable truth that players gonna play and haters will frequently hate. You have some options of how to respond to those who doubt your decision-making skills. If you’re feeling self-deprecating-ish, focus on how you are a horrible person and would be ruining your kid if you spent any more time with him and so you're bringing in professional help. If you’re feeling more blame-y, just say how other moms suck much more than you. Try phrases like, “at least I’m better than that Sheila…her baby’s first word was iPad,” or “sure Tracy stays at home with her kids, but she plays possum until they figure out the Common Core homework and forage for food on their own”. History (and by history I mean The Real Housewives) shows us that putting down others is a great way to feel better about ourselves. 

Okay, expert excuses…check! Let’s move on to getting you work ready and curing that momguilt.

Transitioning to work

Unless one of your co-workers makes you run an emotional marathon every minute (as children are wont to do), you can bask in your newfound freedom from Mr. Two-year-old’s wild ride. Yes, you’ll miss your kiddo, but keep your head up and follow these guidelines:

• Get used to using grown-up sounding words like merger, accountability, transparency, and remuneration.
• Get un-used to saying phrases like “come to mommy,” “look who’s a big boy,” and “does someone need a diaper change?”
• Get your child accustomed to communicating with you on Face-time and Skype. Then, once your toddler says something heart-wrenching like, “mommy lives in computer now,” refer to remedies listed below.

 

Medicine for Momguilt

Below are a few tips for softening the sting of being away from little ones:

• Remember that whomever you’ve left your offspring with is equally capable of placing them in front of the television.
• Bring a picture of your little darling and the drawing he did on the wall.

  

  The artist admiring his work, Line Drawing on Wall, Marker, 2014

• If you’re missing your baby, have your supervisor sneeze some snot out and use you as a human kleenex.
• Reacquaint yourself with your own thoughts. They've missed you.
• Now that you're away from your Little for much of the day, you won't have to find a way to escape him. You can both enjoy that extra clingy desperation in your hugs and kisses.

Parents concur it's often more hide; less seek

• See if a co-worker can climb on top of your head, knee you in the nose, and mess up whatever hairstyle you’ve attempted. This will remind you that the solitary nature of data entry has its perks.
• Remember that being a stay at home mom (SAHM) is half housework anyhow, so take comfort in the fact that you CANNOT be doing laundry right now. 
• Observe and appreciate how your coffee cup remains miraculously un-spilled as you complete task after un-interrupted task. 

You're gonna do great! Or perhaps you'll get fired for crying at your desk, I really can't say, I'm not a fortune teller. I'm just your Ann Abler, Excuse Expert. 

May your family be healthy and your commute not involve the 405,
Your Dear Ann Abler 

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