Problems at the Pump

Dear Ann,

Yesterday I checked off several tasks on my To Do list. I was even starting to feel a little self-satisfied as I filled up my car with gas and wiped down all the windows. Then I drove off with the gas nozzle still in my tank, and ripped the hose right off. I was really enjoying feeling good about myself, so who or what can I blame for this snafu?

~ Miss Gas & Go

Dear Miss Gas & Go,

First off, congratulations! This slight oversight must mean you have better things to think about than putting that nozzle back in its place. I mean, just think of the masses of mediocre minds that put the nozzle back every darn time. How predictable, really. You, on the other hand, have miraculous mental meanderings that might make you look like a total space cadet to the untrained observer. Luckily, I am here to assure you that you are no astronaut.

Rather than shift the blame, why not make it your claim to fame. You think Steve Jobs always put the nozzle back? Doubt it. Leonardo Da Vinci? Never. You are in good company, as sure as my logic is air tight.

However, if you still prefer to blame another to make yourself feel better, there are a plethora of potential culprits who are just as guilty for this filling station faux pas. Were there any children with you? I can almost guarantee that they were distracting you with their blathering on about, “my tooth is loose” and “is that thing still supposed to be attached to our car?”, etc. Was your cell phone ringing? You can blame the caller. Was there a catchy tune playing at the gas station? Blame the band. Were you having a pretend argument in your head with your boss? What an asshole…stick it to the man. Perhaps it’s a combination of the above, in which case, it’s ladies choice. Say one Hail Mommy and go on and brush your shoulders off.

Ciao.

p.s. However you decide to spin it, just remember, tragedy + time = comedy (and on a side note, tragedy plus comedy equals time, according to the always awesome PattonOswalt).  

p.p.s. Next time you fill up, maybe just treat yourself to full service.