Tuesday, October 7, 2014

How to Master the Art of non-Mopping

Dear Ann Abler,

Should I bother mopping my floor when my toddler is going to make a hot mess of it within the hour?

Seems silly, no?

~ Mopper Flip Flopper

Dear Mopper,

It seems silly because it IS silly. Much of what we SAHMS and SAHDS (and other-acronym'd parents) do all day is silly. It has to be silly because if it weren’t silly and we couldn’t find any humor in the cat pooping on the kitchen table the same day we run out of coffee, we would go crazy. In fact, some of us have, or do, or will go crazy. I say embrace the crazy! Lean in. Be the crazy. Sometimes the only way to survive parenthood is to “get nuts” – as Prince so sagely suggests. Also we should do something about a purple banana, apparently. But I digress.

Image via www.dudeiwantthat.com
To mop or not, that is the question. And just to clarify, I assume by “mop,” you mean Swiffer Wet Jet or something similar. I can tell you that as your Ann Abler I think about your needs first, not the needs of the floor, or the noses of your fellow family members when your house gets that ‘not so fresh feeling’. So how do you feel before and after you mop? Is there a glimmer of satisfaction, or solely the sting of your Sisyphean struggle smacking you across the face? If it’s the latter, let’s employ one of my favorite advanced avoidance techniques: shifting responsibility.

You say you have a toddler? I say it’s ‘bring your baby to work’ day. Every day.  Buy one of these outfits in the picture above, and the mess becomes the mop. Why aren’t we all doing this way more often? Can’t we agree it’s not really child labor if the child is having fun? Mine thinks wiping up the floor with a dishtowel is a great game (second only to turning a water bottle upside down and shaking it all over the place). 

You could also try getting a floor laminate with a Cheerio design in it to achieve the effect below. Tell people it’s your meta-post-modern declaration of domestic defiance. They will most likely be too intimidated by your big artsy words to criticize your crumby floors. 


The other option is going old school (or ancient school, rather) and “installing” dirt floors. Mopping a dirt floor would actually make it worse, which totally gets you out of the chore altogether!

You're welcome. (You can thank me by sharing/liking Dear Ann Abler on Facebook)

Your Excuse Expert,

Ann Abler

*And to anyone reading this, what's your favorite way to avoid housework?

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