Babies v. Barneys: Baby in a China Shop

Dear Ann Abler, 
I often think I can't bring my 5-week old baby into fancy stores, like I can't bring in my dog. How do I get past that? 
~ Baby Daddy Dawg

Dear Dawg,

Buy, buy!! No, sell! Wait - Elmo!!

Kudos for having enough energy to compose this question, let alone summoning the will to enter a fancy store. In case no one told you before, babies can be a total bummer. Not only do they keep you up at all hours and soil your clothes with spit-up, but it turns out they know nothing about online trading. 

They are also a lot like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman before she gets her makeover. No, I’m not calling your baby a high-priced call-girl, I’m just saying that fancy-store people frown upon both.

Well, I did some brainstorming and I have an idea (and just so you know, office policy states there are no bad ideas in brainstorming). You are onto something with the dog thing, but you have it backwards. Designer dogs actually make you fashion forward. So I say dress up your little one like a dog, put the ‘childhuahua’ in a Burberry bag, and strut into any store of your choice. If the store is fancy enough and your ‘childhuahua’ is small enough, you will actually be adding to your je ne se quois, and by that I literally mean I don’t know what. On second thought, since you’re not a lady in Beverly Hills, you may skip this suggestion.

The Childhuahua is known for its wimpering

Instead of baby-purse-dog, try this next idea:
Lure a bunch of children into the desired shopping destination – you know, with candy or something – I haven’t thought this one all the way through, so here’s your chance to improvise. Once the store is overrun with smelly sticky kids who’ve been promised candy, that quiet little bundle in your Baby Bjorn will be the least of their worries.

Image via www.cultfilmfreaks.com

Still, if a fancy-store lady tells you you’re “obviously in the wrong place”, be sure to come back with a bunch of shopping bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge.” Make sure a good song is playing in the background while you do this.

Now go buy your little cutie a Cartier and say it’s from Her Auntie Ann Abler.  But you should pay for it. It’s the thought that counts, though, and I had the thought.

Also, it’s never too early for babies to start following Ann Abler on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter.