Monday, August 25, 2014

Workin' for a Lovin'

From the Twitterverse @MartinQuinn66 asks:
Dear Ann,
There's a new girl at work I quite like. How long should I wait before starting the rumour we're sleeping together?

Dear MQ,
What a harmless and appropriate question! After giving it some careful consideration, I think you won’t even need to start a rumor, because together we can make it true! If you follow these tips (the DOs, not the DON’Ts!), you’ll lasso Little Lassie in no time:

DO keep compliments short and sweet: “nice dress” or “great idea!”
DON’T follow a compliment with the Hannibal Lecter toothy lip thing:

DO ask what she did over the weekend.
DON’T ask what flavor she chose at Yogurtland on 2nd Street at 3 pm on Saturday and who was that person she was with because you don’t think he’s the one for her, and her hair smells yummy today.

DO quote great thinkers, when appropriate.
DON’T randomly quote Willy Wonka when you walk by her cubicle. Especially avoid:
Next time, try to open your mouth a little wider when you speak.
Everything inside is eatable, I mean edible, I mean you can eat everything.
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams.

DO buy her a thoughtful gift if you are her secret Santa.
DON’T buy her exact shade of lipstick, smudge it on your collar, and walk up behind her wildly pointing and gesturing so that co-workers totally “get it”.

DO bring her a beverage at lunch and casually say, “you like coke, right?”
DON’T put a pubic hair on top of it.

DO give her a friendly remind her about tomorrow morning’s meeting.
DON’T tell her she should skip the sexual harassment seminar, or mention how you think knowing your rights as an employee can really slow down the mating process.

DO show your artistic side by casually leaving your sketchbook open on your desk.
DON’T show your artistic side by performing an interpretive dance to Adele’s Someone Like You when you’re the last two people in the office.

DO arrange to get a phone call that enables you to use your French language skills. Bonus move: Either throw your head back in laughter to appear jovial or use a hushed voice to seem mysterious.
DON’T arrange to get a phone call from your dermatologist to discuss the details of that disturbing rash.

DO mention you’re seeing someone new (unavailable = intriguing), and ask Little Lassie whether she thinks it’s too soon to show her Greece, or if you should just take her through some country roads on the back of your motorcycle.
DON’T mention that you actually mean watching the movie Grease, and by motorcycle you actually mean unicycle.

DO set her free if it's not meant to be.
DON'T do this: 

I hope you have the best of luck with your lady friend. However, if things don’t work out with this new girl at work, you should really try your luck in the States. Not only does spelling rumor “rumour” make you seem fancy to us, but if you’ve seen the documentary Love Actually then you will know that American girls will immediately bed a boy with an accent. Just channel your inner Ewan McGreggor or Sean Connery, and you’re set.

That is all,

Your Ann Abler 

P.S. Now be a lamb and tell your friends to follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.

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