When Hairy is Sally

Dear Ann Abler,

I spend way too much time dealing with my facial hair. I want my life back.

Help?

 ~ Hairy is Sally

Dear Hairy,

Embrace your obsession. Eradicate all hairs and all evidence that you are in any way a human animal. It recently occurred to me that I could try plucking my thigh-pubes (do those have a name yet, and if not, can we call them thighburns?).  I figured that if I got really into it and developed trichotillomania, that I could not only have a totally smooth surface from head to (formerly hairy) toe, but also be eligible for a mini-vacation at a mental hospital. It’s a win/win!

However, if padded white walls aren’t your style, then there are some alternatives. There’s threading, waxing, shaving, plucking, bleaching or becoming a baptized Sikh. You may have seen or read about this kick-ass Sikh woman who lets inner beauty be her beacon. She gracefully engaged commenters on reddit who were mocking a picture of her that showed her facial hair. So if you’re shopping around for a religion, check it out. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that you, like many of us in this material world, can’t hang with a handlebar and aren’t saintly enough to proudly rock a ‘stache. Kudos to those who are into that spirituality and self-realization thing, though. They are probably reading something enlightening rather than this blogpost. Whatevs.

Found on ncowie.files.wordpress.com

It was news to me to find out that these dark, coarse hairs that so many of us ladies would love to laser off are actually called terminal hairs. Terminal. So if you didn’t already feel shame about your stray eyebrows (which may have strayed all the way to your chin), the word “terminal” is there to help. Take comfort in the fact that most of us ladies are in the same predicament. I suggest that if you don’t already have one, find your pluck buddy – that person who promises to come pluck your unwanted facial hairs should you become unable to do so. Find that pluck buddy today, because you never know when you will be incapacitated, perhaps by trichotillomania-induced catatonia.

Hope that helped!

~ Your Dear Ann Abler

p.s. Question for the comments section: How come men can have what’s basically pubic hair on their feet and it’s cool?