A Woman's Work is Never Fun

Dear Ann Abler,

Why is it okay for my husband to pay a lawn service, but not okay for me to have a housekeeper? I am busier than he is. I spend all day writing, teaching, raising two boys (12 and 4), completing grad school assignments, and talking to my mama on the phone. Isn't that enough? Don't I deserve domestic relief?

~  Jody Dyer

Dear Jody,

It sounds like you're in a 'Dyer' Situation. Sorry. I channeled Fozzie Bear; I'll start over:

Ahem. Domestic relief? You deserve a Nobel peace prize for not going ballistic and an Academy Award for Best Supporting Everything. How are you even able to compose a coherent sentence? Lay down or have a drink, please, because you’re making me tired.

First off, has it actually been established that it’s not “okay” for you to get a housekeeper? Second, does your husband only live in the yard? Who determined that a housekeeper is for you and lawn service is for him? Unless your house is pink and the yard is blue, there is really no way sure-fire way to divide this stuff up according to sex. 

Is this your house?

Now, you could be straightforward with your husband, and discuss your budget and options over dinner. Or, you could do the next most sensible thing and ask, “what would Lucy do?” Well, according to Season 2, Episode 4 (see how it’s sort of like quoting Bible verses?), the best thing to do is switch places with your husband for a week. You do his job. He does yours. Hilarity ensues. You might have some ‘splaining to do, but everyone will learn a little something along the way. Get ready for some zany antics, because those will happen as well. 

Who's got splaining to do now?

If for any reason that fool-proof plan fails, you can try doing what Ray did in Everybody Loves Raymond, and just be really bad at housework until your spouse insists on taking over (or getting you some help!).

Poor Debra

Isn't it nice how TV can solve all of our problems?

Zany!

Now say two Hail Mommies and pour yourself a margarita. Unless it’s before 5 pm. In that case, make yourself a mimosa. 

You’re welcome,

Your Ann Abler

#FullHouseFitness

Dear Ann Abler,

My kids are obsessed with Full House. I never actually enjoyed the show, even when I was younger. Sure Uncle Jesse is hot, but the stories are so sappy and I’m tired of my children telling me, “you got it, dude!” It’s everywhere I look…everywhere I go…I’m considering cutting it off completely, but the kids might revolt. I need my Ann Abler, STAT.

~ Have Mercy

Dear Mercy,

First off, it could be worse. The fact that your children are saying, “you got it dude” is far better than the things they will be shouting at you in their teens. Secondly, I have a solution.

Here is how to handle watching Full House without gagging on the cheesiness. I first thought of making this a drinking game, but then decided to do a healthy version, replacing directives like “drink!” and “chug” with different exercises and stretches. However, please feel free to replace “take a drink” for any of these, if you’ve had a rough day. The work out will wait until tomorrow.

Your Full House Fitness Plan:

1. Start your warm-up by jogging in place when you hear the “ahahahahhhh”
2. Do five jumping jacks when Kimmy Gibler insults Danny Tanner.
3. Do some neck rolls (to match your eye rolls) each time the music informs you that a tender moment is occurring and that you should be feeling some feelings.
4. Do ten push-ups whenever uncle Joey’s mom jeans appear on screen.
5. Do some stretching while Uncle Jesse has his heart-to-heart with one of the girls. Most likely it will be Michelle, as it seems the producers of the show realized the Uncle Jesse + cute toddler combo made it fun for the whole family.
6. Do a forward fold each time the studio audience says “aaawwww”. Not only are forward folds great for releasing lower back tension, but this will also allow you to look through your legs and AWAY from the TV.
7. If you say a character’s uber-predictable line before they do, you get a free pass on the next exercise.
8. Do 20 sit-ups whenever Uncle Jesse flirts with a foxy lady, or says “hubba hubba” and/or “have mercy”
9. Do 10 jumping jacks when Danny Tanner realizes that maybe he doesn’t have it all under control and needs a little help from his friends.
10. Do 15 squats if Stephanie or D.J. get jealous of Michelle.

I could probably think of a few more, but I would rather hear some suggestions from others, whether you love, hate, or love/hate Full House. There are so many memorable moments, predictable plot lines, and scrunchy-inspired styles that have not yet been mentioned. So…please share your ideas for Full House Fitness right here in the comments section, on  Dear Ann Abler's Facebook page, or on Twitter (#FullHouseFitness and tag @DearAnnAbler). 

Hope that helps! If not, there's always the option to Lean in - have the whole family dress as their favorite character as you watch it together. Side ponytails have a way of lifting everyone's spirits.

- Your Ann Abler