Thursday, May 8, 2014

Spider Insider

We have another question from one of my myriad Twitter followers (myriad means around 60, right?).
@unique_miranda asks: @DearAnnAbler, my daughter's full of itchy spider bites. I've done everything I can think of. Wish it was me rather than her #mommyproblems.

Dear Unique,

You came to the right place. Doctors, shmoctors, right? Your dear Ann Abler has got your back. Here’s what you do: go rub every lamp in your house. If a genie comes out, make your wish. No genie? Try a local wishing well, or any ole’ fountain you find. I’m pretty sure it’s the chemical reaction of coin + water that makes the magic happen. I didn’t actually ace Chemistry, though; so don’t quote me on that. Wish still not coming true? Jiminy f*&kin’ cricket, I’m running out of ideas. Oh – that actually reminds me, go outside tonight and wish upon a star. That should do the trick. If that doesn’t work, I’d like to return my Disneyland Annual Passport. Passport to lies, I say.

I guess you could go to WebMD or a real doctor, but then we’d all be robbed of my words of wisdom and professional* feedback. (*Professional in that I have been paid to do work at various points in my life). Also, in my professional opinion, I would suggest not watching Arachnophobia right now. I repeat, do not watch Arachnophobia right now. Everything will be okay. I think. Especially if you found a genie. A #ProTip from my own daughter: she says that you should wish that NO ONE has spider bites. That would be a better wish.

Other than that…um…calamine lotion? And also, where were you that she got the spider bites and can I please never have to go there.

Now say two hail mommies and go look for a four-leaf clover or a lucky penny (also my daughter’s suggestions). Note (from my daughter, again): A lucky penny is NOT when you go into someone’s money jar and take a penny. It has to be one that you find on the ground.


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