Friday, May 30, 2014

Big Primpin’

Dear Ann,
I feel like ever since the kids came along, my beauty routine has taken a back seat. I’m lucky if I brush my hair and/or teeth before I get out the door. I think I still have some make-up brushes…but what are those for again?
Will it be okay if I just give up now, please?
~ Making-up is hard to do

Dear Making up,

While I would normally say, “Fugheddabout it”, “Hakuna Matata”, or “You’re already least on the inside”, it so happens that I can dispense some actual time-saving big primpin' tips that even the busiest of mamas can manage. I know, I know, why is your Ann Abler trying to do anything other than pardon your sub-par primping? It’s because I have discovered that with minimal effort you can achieve maximum results slightly better than sub-par results. Also, I had some pictures in mind for this post.

Since We, the people, love numbered lists, here are my 

No offense, Brobie.
1.     CAR TWEEZERS. Though many of us amply-haired ladies might not admit it, we love/hate the rear view mirror during daylight as would a vain vampire. While the sun won’t melt off our faces, it will expose a scary amount of sometimes terminal hair. That’s right, I said terminal. Click if you dare. Having a pair of tweezers in the car will not only save you time and give you something to do if your kids fall asleep, but can also spare you the embarrassment of showing up somewhere looking like Brobie.

2.     COVER GIRL AquaSmooth Compact Foundation. Since you may have slight signs of skin irritation from following tip #1, I have thoughtfully suggested a remedy for the redness. Am I being paid to say this? NO. Will I gladly accept thanks in the form of free AquaSmooth Compact Foundation? YES. This compact is a must have, unless you have perfect skin, in which case, I'm not even sure I can speak to you right now.

3.     ACROBATIC APPLICATION. If you have a toddler, then you know that playing in a small puddle or stream of water is surprisingly mesmerising. Simply sit your kid on the edge of the sink, with your leg positioned behind him. This is a great time for him to brush his teeth, if brushing means sucking the toothpaste off the brush and asking for more. Use this time to do some stretching while you apply your basics, whether that be moisturizer, foundation, mascara or lipstick. Note: Only attempt this if you are limber, agile, and attentive (and remember, this is an advicetainment blog).

4.     HOME HAIR SALON. Look like you just stepped out of a salon…or at least Supercuts. Get your little girl to groom you. The more pretending you insert in game, the more likely she is to stick with it, and give you a decent style. Tell her that her tip is riding on it.  
Have baby lift pinky for extra points

5.     BABY BRUSH-CLEANING. Now, this may not be the recommended way to wash your make-up brushes, but if it’s this or no washing at all, then, well…actually, it’s still a toss up. 

You can always give up now and go full unkempt cavewoman, but unless you’re married to a fellow troglodyte who doesn’t mind small creatures living in your hair, then you may want to take my advice.  

Now say two Hail Mommies and try to muster up enough energy to swish around some mouth wash. 


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