Hungry Hungry Husbands

Dear Ann, 

Part of your complete breakfast?

My husband stops at the grocery store on the way home from work and this is all he buys. 

Am I married to an 11 year old?

Send help,

Homeboy’s Wife

Dear Homeboy's Wife, 

While I'm guessing your husband is not 11, he may very well be high. The only thing wrong with this picture is the clear lack of salsa and guacamole, but at least he bought some chips that help support a good cause, so you can pat him on the head for that (in a totally non-condescending way).

The mixing and matching of dips is an essential skill in a life partner. I have included here one example of a perfect snack pairing, available at your nearest Trader Joe's:

Good idea, or the best idea?

Shopping can sometimes bring unexpected challenges, though, so tell him to look out for products that are over 1800 years past the expiration date, like this one:

SELL BY 01/02/143??

Perhaps you should get him some snack flashcards, and go over them before he goes near a grocery store again. Sometimes you have to give people a second chance. Or a third. Or a fourth. I used to only know how to buy expensive cheeses while avoiding student loans. Now I have learned about things called coupons. Not that I have used coupons, but acknowledging their existence is the first step toward savings, right? 

Have your husband join you in saying three Hail Mommies, and then take a toke of whatever your husband’s smoking (if you live in one of these places) and feed each other some Nutella and chips.

Yours munchingly,

Ann Abler

A Woman's Work is Never Fun

Dear Ann Abler,

Why is it okay for my husband to pay a lawn service, but not okay for me to have a housekeeper? I am busier than he is. I spend all day writing, teaching, raising two boys (12 and 4), completing grad school assignments, and talking to my mama on the phone. Isn't that enough? Don't I deserve domestic relief?

~  Jody Dyer

Dear Jody,

It sounds like you're in a 'Dyer' Situation. Sorry. I channeled Fozzie Bear; I'll start over:

Ahem. Domestic relief? You deserve a Nobel peace prize for not going ballistic and an Academy Award for Best Supporting Everything. How are you even able to compose a coherent sentence? Lay down or have a drink, please, because you’re making me tired.

First off, has it actually been established that it’s not “okay” for you to get a housekeeper? Second, does your husband only live in the yard? Who determined that a housekeeper is for you and lawn service is for him? Unless your house is pink and the yard is blue, there is really no way sure-fire way to divide this stuff up according to sex. 

Is this your house?

Now, you could be straightforward with your husband, and discuss your budget and options over dinner. Or, you could do the next most sensible thing and ask, “what would Lucy do?” Well, according to Season 2, Episode 4 (see how it’s sort of like quoting Bible verses?), the best thing to do is switch places with your husband for a week. You do his job. He does yours. Hilarity ensues. You might have some ‘splaining to do, but everyone will learn a little something along the way. Get ready for some zany antics, because those will happen as well. 

Who's got splaining to do now?

If for any reason that fool-proof plan fails, you can try doing what Ray did in Everybody Loves Raymond, and just be really bad at housework until your spouse insists on taking over (or getting you some help!).

Poor Debra

Isn't it nice how TV can solve all of our problems?

Zany!

Now say two Hail Mommies and pour yourself a margarita. Unless it’s before 5 pm. In that case, make yourself a mimosa. 

You’re welcome,

Your Ann Abler

How to Make Breakfast: Put. An. Egg. On. It.

Coming to us from the Twitterverse:

Dear Ann Abler,

My #hubs just rejected my "egg on leftovers" idea for #breakfast. Why doesn't he recognize my #genius?

~ Sunnyside denied

Dear Sunnyside,

Anything + Egg = Breakfast.

Not everyone understands the mathematical equation of eggs + ANYthing = delicious breakfast. Egg on leftovers is a timeless treasure, whether the leftovers be pizza, casserole, fried rice or even chicken strips. While some may find it distasteful to serve chicken with its unfertilized offspring, I’m all for family reunification. So please feel free to tell him he is incorrect. And also, give him a break next time he serves up cereal for dinner.

In summary: put. an. egg. on. it. (Shout out to Portlandia!)

Now go re-read Green Eggs & Ham for some recipe ideas.

Ciao!

Your Ann Abler

Fancy Feet

Dear Ann,

A friend of mine told me her husband rubs her feet and recites her poetry each night while she’s nursing the baby to sleep. How can I convince my husband to do the same?

-Jealous in Jersey

Dear Jealous,

First, how long has your friend lived in this commune somewhere outside of Portland? Or is it the Land of Make Believe? Do they also sleep atop musical rainbows that stream Cat Stevens and Van Morrison?

Second, back here on planet earth, focus on the things your husband does do, like make the baby laugh, sometimes scoop the kitty litter, and sometimes put the seat back down. Tell your friend you hate her and her perfectly massaged feet and doting husband.  If you can figure out how to get your husband to do this on the daily, well.....this advicetainment column is yours. I retire.

Say 1 hail mommy and get a pedicure sometime this year.