Don't Drink and Drive; Drink After Teaching Your Teen to Drive

Dear Ann Abler,

I want to help my daughter achieve independence, but I'm also worried for her safety. Most importantly, I'm kind of tired of driving her to dance classes three times a week. Should I let her drive?

- Stuck in Overdrive

Dear Overdrive,

As always, I'm your Ann Abler, primarily looking out for your sanity. In my opinion, teen drivers are equally if not more dangerous than teen wolves. But a real teen wolf, not a Michael J. Fox kind. Though my kids are small, I have done some pre-panicking on this issue. So, here are a few tips off the top of my head:

Photo from Wired.com

• Wait for those self-driving cars. A recent Wired article says in 20-ish years most vehicles will be driving themselves. Tell your daughter to dance around the house for the next couple decades, and save up for one of these robot cars. Ditching the dance classes will also save you money on sequins and sparkles.

• Let her drive, but only 2 miles per hour. Tell her she can get a Mini Cooper...but it has to be this exact one:

Driving Miss Baby

• Bubble wrap her. Sometimes you have to nudge the little birdies out of the nest, but no one says you can't provide some cushion.

Photo from Jay P. Morgan of TheSlantedLens.com

• Pick your poison. There are now several states where you can legally obtain a certain substance that can mellow you out after an outing with your teen driver. If you're in one of those lucky locations...ask your doctor if marijuana is right for you. You deserve to relax after reeling from the fear and anxiety that driving with a teenager can cause. I mean there's always Ujjayi breathing, but sometimes you need to "speed relax" like my friend Lori says. Just remember, at no time do I actually expect my advice to be heeded. I take no responsibility for your future habits, and I will not pay for your Ziggy Marley tickets. Let's just not pretend we're all Puritans. That's so 1600. So, do what you're going to do and don't judge yourself too harshly. As a wise woman once tweeted:

 

If you do decide to teach your daughter to drive, make sure you instill in her the value of good driving music. You can start with The Top 25 Songs About Cars, Driving and Roadtrips. Now that you have one of those songs stuck in your head, read my last post about how to get rid of earworms.

Hope that helps and doesn't send you on a downward spiral with drugs.

Namaste,

Your Ann Abler

Too Sexy for this Earworm

Dear Ann,

My kids are killing me with their non-stop Fresh Beat Band and Yo Gabba Gabba music loop. I’m considering cutting them off cold turkey and only listening to classical music. Is that cruel? I can’t get The Fresh Beat Band's “Bananas” song out of my head!

Nah nah nah nah nah nah…

I’ve gone,

Bananas

Dear Bananas,

If you start listening exclusively to classical music, you will only be hurting yourself. And on a side note, I’m pretty sure listening to The Beatles works just as well as those Baby Einstein CDs. 

When the entire world was weirded out

The earworm epidemic is a cause that is close to my heart. You are not alone. I am here with you. Though we’re far apart, you’re always in my heart. Damn it, Michael Jackson! See what I mean? This is a very serious condition. It sounds like you’re stuck…and I’m…stuck in the middle with you. Scheisse! Okay, the first step is for both of us to breathe. Belly breath right through it. All better? Good.

Being semi-sadistic myself, I like to fight earworms with earworms. Sometimes this has worked wonderfully. I have weened children from the Fresh Beat Band to a more advanced addiction of The Go-Go’s. This is a step in the right direction. What you need to do is simply match the overall feeling and rhythm of a kid’s song with something more acceptable to you. Until that becomes unacceptable. Rinse and repeat. If you get stuck in a Go-Go’s loop and your kids only want more of the same, this may be the time to introduce Belinda Carlisle, solo artist. If you tell them, “this is the Go-Go’s” you sort of aren’t lying to them. If that works, you can diversify further with some Cyndi Lauper and The Bangles. Maybe hand them a snack during this diversification project.

So don’t be cruel and cut them off cold turkey. If they’re stuck on Yo Gabba Gabba, I’d suggest transitioning to Talking Heads. Both have just a bit of space-age-y-infused funk. If it’s a generic kid song with clapping, whistles or bells, try taking baby steps to Toni Basil or the The Ting Tings. When in doubt, use Michael Jackson as musical methadone for almost any earworm. Kids love it because it is awesome. Other random recommendations that rock and/or roll: John Mayer’s Queen of California, The Black Crowes’ Garden Gate, and anything by Fleetwood Mac.

Your children will be torturing you with their music for years to come, so it's good to develop some strategies now. 

Go forth and rock,

Your Ann Abler